I just feel horrible this morning. I say stupid things. I have no feelings sometimes for others when I probably should. I don’t think a lot beyond my immediate family. I’m too over-protective and have trouble letting go.
I’m working on all of this: why I’m so callous sometimes and don’t care about others, why I can’t force myself to feel for people and relatives who have no impact on my life, why my heart is walled off, and why, in general, I do things the way I do.
None of this is easy. Change is definitely not here. I pray and I pray and I pray. Then I pray some more. But walls are still there, protecting whatever got hurt inside of me and not allowing anyone except the chosen few in.
I wish I could say what all of this is but I can’t. In fact, I can’t tell you anything.
At this point my new solution is to just not say anything. That way I won’t offend anyone and create any awkward situations when something cold-hearted leaves my mouth.
We have a wedding next week (husband’s family) and I fully intend to just say the polite greetings and that’s it. And watch my kids.
“If you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.” So I won’t.
Until I can figure something out.
But somewhere deep inside of me I believe only God can do this. Willing myself to care hasn’t worked for the last 20 years and I don’t see it working in the next 20.
But God can do anything.
So I hold on to that when I screw up (which is quite often). I hold onto Him. Because He loves me. Love I don’t have but I want.
Because when it comes down to it, who else is there?