I Feel Like a Horrible Person

I just feel horrible this morning.  I say stupid things.  I have no feelings sometimes for others when I probably should.  I don’t think a lot beyond my immediate family.  I’m too over-protective and have trouble letting go.

I’m working on all of this:  why I’m so callous sometimes and don’t care about others, why I can’t force myself to feel for people and relatives who have no impact on my life, why my heart is walled off, and why, in general, I do things the way I do.

None of this is easy.  Change is definitely not here.  I pray and I pray and I pray.  Then I pray some more. But walls are still there, protecting whatever got hurt inside of me and not allowing anyone except the chosen few in.

I wish I could say what all of this is but I can’t.  In fact, I can’t tell you anything.

At this point my new solution is to just not say anything.  That way I won’t offend anyone and create any awkward situations when something cold-hearted leaves my mouth.

We have a wedding next week (husband’s family) and I fully intend to just say the polite greetings and that’s it.  And watch my kids.

“If you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.”  So I won’t.

Until I can figure something out.

But somewhere deep inside of me I believe only God can do this.  Willing myself to care hasn’t worked for the last 20 years and I don’t see it working in the next 20.

But God can do anything.

So I hold on to that when I screw up (which is quite often).  I hold onto Him.  Because He loves me.  Love I don’t have but I want.

Because when it comes down to it, who else is there?

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13 thoughts on “I Feel Like a Horrible Person

  1. You’ve got it when you ask, “Who else is there?” In the early fall semester of 2009, during the early part of the BSF study of John, I started praying that God would teach me to love and would restore my joy in Him. In the classroom, I’d pray, “Please love these kids through me because I have no love of my own.” Then, I started praying in the early fall semester of 2010 for God to focus me on the Lord rather than on myself. That slowly altering of focus–better some days than others–is, I believe, what I most needed. I’ve had to believe deeply that God loves me and feel that before I could begin to feel God’s love for others.

    It was September or October of this year that I found myself saying things in the classroom like, “You’ve got to stop [doing that] and pay attention. But I love you!” I was rather shocked the first few times I said it. I’m starting to care more about other people and am a tiny bit less self-centered. I’m still so far from where God knows I can be; I’ve traveled about a quarter mile down a thousand-mile journey.

    There are some prayers God so loves to answer. I’ve gone through some pain as God has stripped some idols from me in the process, but each painful time is easier as He’s built my faith in knowing what comes as a result.

    God bless you!

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  2. Some years ago when I felt so far from God I began my search of Him once again. I read “Lord change Me” and can’t even tell you who the author is now. I began to memorize the book of James and life began to make a bit of sense. “Consider is all joy, my brethern, when you encounter trials..” yeah, right. but I read and memorized on…”if anyone lacks wisdom let him ask of God and it will be given to him with out reproach…but let him ask in faith without any doubting….” so I began to pray for wisdom, not for me but God’s wisdom in dealing with life and others. His word is true and He began to show me new things that I could not only understand but apply and live. My method of life now is “truly walk a mile in the shoes of another, see life thru their eyes and again, thru the eyes of Christ”. Would you or could you live the other person’s life? Try on their emotions, hurts, disappointments, grief and failures. How does it feel? When I began this practice, especially with those that are [kindly spoken!]”difficult” I began to empathize if not sympathize and the Love of God poured forth..it is like unleasing the wind, removing the blocks of the dam…His love flows, blows and envelopes others FOR you. Am I perfect in my relationships with others? gosh, no. But my walk and talk are beginning to match. Praise be to God, my Father! The unlovely are changing in my sight. There are still many my earthly eyes “reject”, but God isn’t finished with me yet and when I pray He is faithful to put His eyes in my head (and often He reminds me to pray instead of judge or condemn). It is wise to not speak unless it is for edification, praise or to help build another up. But I urge you to not stay silent, let God’s words pour forth. Ask for His wisdom, try it on…life begins anew.

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  3. What I want to tell you is this, God knows your heart. He knows you want to do the right thing. We are not perfect we (I mean me too) fall short daily. But what he does care about is your intent and that you want to please HIM. We are big mama bears and when it involves our children we are born to fight and protect. But when we are born of the spirit we are to love and forgive. These lines get confussing and it’s hard to incorporate the two.
    I have been working on forgiving someone in my family for over 20 years. I have made huge progress but have a long way to go since they are still in my life I have to see them from time to time it’s like a wound that is permantly open. I give it to God daily but I still fail at times. But he knows my heart. I am growing and learning to be more obedient. When we stop growing and striving then there is a problem. You are not a horrible person. You would be horrible in none of this bothered you and you didn’t take it to God in prayer. Stay strong and stay in the word. He will direct your path. Literally!
    Blessings to you.

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  4. Your not horrible but human and our most intense times are sometimes with the very ones we are suppose to have important in our lives. For me if feel like i don’t always fit with the family and i see things different then they. But as you said in our enter circle we find Jesus who is so understanding of our short comings and teaches us how to love the unloveable how to show Him in the hard times of life.
    My problem is I want to get someone before they get me. As for family if i could i would walk out but God chose who is our family so i have to love with His heart many times when mine will not allow me to.
    As others have said we have to see with the eyes of Jesus. With much prayer and great wisdom from God the Father we are able to change. Have I arrived, “no way.”

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  5. They lady who writes such insightful, beautiful answers to her BSF questions couldn’t possibly be as cold and callous as you just described her. Your love of Christ and wisdom of God are a testement to how He is obviously alive and active in your life. Therefore, you could not possibly be “a horrible person”. Everyone struggles with SOMETHING. (And if we are ever really able to conquer that thing, another will arise.) It’s just life. It’s the constant inner struggle with our human nature and our redeemed self. As for me, this is the year that I have vowed to only speak words approved by God first. I used to be much quieter but after several years in a leadership position in church, I “found my voice” and have realized that talking too much is not such a great attribute for me. Lol. What I really wanted to say to you is just “hang in there”! God IS alive and active in your life and you are precious to Him. He understands your struggle and loves that you are trying so hard to be better. With His help, you WILL conquer this and then you will undoubtedly move on to another stronghold He points out to you. 🙂

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  6. First, you have to love yourself before you can love others; and, you need to learn to forgive yourself before you can forgive others. If it is too much to handle, take it to the cross and just say to Jesus, I can’t do this Lord; I am giving it to you. From all you have said about only wanting to be with your children and not others, I believe you could really use a good friend. Children are a joy in our life, but they do grow up and leave home. This is God’s plan. What will you do when they all leave? I realize they are young now, but, they grow so very fast. You also might benefit from seeking professional help. This is certainly nothing to be ashamed of either. You would not think twice if your body was in pain, hurt or diseased, so why not our minds! You have been in pain so long that each new encounter with others puts you on the defensive. Most people just want to get along and not always have a conflict with someone all the time. I pray that things will change for the better for you very soon.

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  7. Hi, this is my first time responding to your blog/post. First, I want to say that your answers always inspire me on the BSF questions. You are a great person, a strong woman… from your previous posts, I got to know that you are a good Christian.
    So, you have got to trust the Holy Spirit to guide you on this one. You have got to pray and trust that the Holy Spirit will guide your thoughts and in turn guide your speech. When you are willing to do this, you don’t have to worry because whatever you do/say will be just reflecting what God wants you to do. We, as weak humans, cannot overcome things like this, but with the help of the Holy Spirit, we can… we all can. I have experiences similar to yours, so just trust and obey and God will empower you. I taught a Bible Verse in Children Sunday School today ~ “With man this is impossible, but with god all things are possible” ~ Matthew 19:26

    Blessings in Christ,
    Geanie

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  8. I have this same problem… There is some conflict with some family members & sometime my words sound so harsh, and then we argue & fuss! I am like =you I paray over & over, but sometimes my words( the wrong or harsh or angry words) just come flying out of my mouth. So, we are not going to give up on God , we are going to pray constanly for His mighty & awesome Love to fill us up! Trust in Him at all times….

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  9. I told you before that God is working on some things in me too and your blog has been one of those tools. I will tell you something that kind of hit me the other day and maybe it will help you. Its obvious but sometimes we need to hear things again. I realized that God lives inside us(duh) but so do all our past hurts and pain, regret, sadness, etc., so if God lives inside of us he has to coincide with all our junk, and of course he doesn’t want too. He wants all of us to himself, so he wants to help us deal with the junk, if we let him.:} We have to let him be that loving, caring, father that wants to be and he wants best for us and wants us to be the best we can be for him. We can’t do that with all the junk we carry around. I realized as much as I was praying I didn’t really want to deal with the junk because once he started working on me I starting kicking and screaming NO. Finally I came to him and said you know best and I’m ready, I’m scared but I’m ready. I have a ways to go but I can already feel a lightness inside my body that I didn’t have before. I’m far from getting rid of the junk but I’m getting there and I’m changing inside too. Also I’m getting ready to do a bible study call “healed and set free” by Tami Brown. She is our pastors wife and she wrote this book to help other women over come there pasts hurts and pain. Its been around the world but I haven’t’ read it yet, I’m going to start the bible study next Friday. Maybe this is something you can look into you. It might help. Anyways good luck.

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    1. Thank you, ladies, for all of your God-filled advice and encouragement. I breathed a little easier after reading each one. It’s all stuff I needed to hear–a different perspective if you will…different eyes! I will re-read these again when I need an uplifting. Thank you for your prayers and I pray for you all each and every day. God bless.

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  10. The fact that you feel so bad makes you a wonderful, caring, person, not a horrible person. You speak out first, without realizing how it might hurt others. Perhaps you should think first, then speak. I used to do exactly what you do, but I then realized that I must weigh my words before I speak them. Just the way you write makes me know that you have God and love in your heart in all things. Do not judge yourself too harshly.

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  11. well since you can’t tell us anything as to why you feel this way, {i would guess childhood} as you say God can be the way to change. i do know somewhat how you feel. i moved from a city i loved and friends that were my family to an unknown town, so i could raise my kids in safety. a town where everyone knows each other, houses aren’t locked, you don’t have to keep an eye on your kids 24/7, just a nice easy place to live. i dove into everything for my kids. Rec center PTA mom we had kids over every weekend. But i grew up hippy style in San Francisco and alot of my ways were very foreign to these people. i found that my forth right ways were no always welcomed and yes my mouth got me into alot of trouble. when my kids hit middle school i backed off. probably too much but i just felt tired and worn down. oh i get along fine, but never like i did in the city i came from. hang in there. sometimes i feel like it is just me and God.

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  12. My dear it was relieve for me to read your problem. Just imagine am here in Uganda-kampala having the same dilema. am going also going for a wedding of husband side and am not looking forward to it. Our God is are great God his grace will see us thro. Am in BSF-Kampala and you are really are blessing

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