I’ve Never Felt Pain Like This Before….

On August 29th, 2012, at 8:30 am, my beloved dog passed away in my arms.

It was so sudden I didn’t want to believe it.

Still don’t.

I can’t remember when I’ve cried this much.

Continuously.

I love her.  Always will.  She is in my heart.  But I still yearn for here by my side.

I have not known pain like this before.

I have a small family.  Those who have passed away around me I was never close to.

Haven’t lost my mom or my dad yet.

She was my heart.  My first baby.  She was the one everyone wanted to take home.

I remember picking her out.  She ran from me, chasing after her sisters and her brother, and I grabbed her.

And didn’t let go.

Until that day.

But I haven’t let go.  Still clinging to her as if she were here.

But now it’s to her brother.  Who has just as much (if not more) of a broken heart as I do.

I told him I’d cry for him.  But I know he’s crying on the inside; I’m only crying on the out.

I tear up every time I think of her.  I try not to but it’s hard.  So much reminds me of her.

We took pictures the day before we took her to the vet.  We clung to the vet’s positive words (which weren’t many) but we hoped and we prayed and we prayed some more.

And I, at least, begged.

That morning I knew she wasn’t getting better.

I prayed over her to get better for ME.  Not for her.  But for ME.

Selfish, isn’t it?

She kept following me (like she always did) and I told her not to.  To rest and get better.

But God granted me the privilege of holding her as she left this world.  Of crying, “Please, God, no.  Don’t take her.”  Of showering her with my tears as her heart took its final beat.

But it was time.  I just didn’t want to admit it.

I love her.  Always will.

And I just wanted to share some pictures of her.

I wish I could share more.

Pictures of her and my kids.  Pictures of her and me.  On the day before she died.

But those are sacred.  Just between her and me and my family.

These are pictures of just her.

I love her.  Always will.

Her Favorite Spot

My Precious

Hunting Last Fall (This is One of My All-Time Favorite Photos)

Her and Her Brother Sleeping in the Camper

Her and Her Brother Hanging Out in the Backyard

Just Hanging Out

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58 comments on “I’ve Never Felt Pain Like This Before….

  1. Carol Field says:

    Words are so thin when only a hug will do.
    I’m glad you have photos and other remembrances.
    I’m sorry for your pain.
    Dr. Seuss said, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

  2. Well said (extremely).
    Thanks for sharing.
    Very sorry for your pain.

  3. Kay Sherwood says:

    So very sorry for your great loss.
    I can empathize with you though we each grieve in our own way.
    Am still hurting from having to put my beloved Nestle’ down the end of January.
    Our furry babies give so much comfort and joy and we are so blessed to have them
    in our lives for the time that we do.

  4. Sandy says:

    Just like you, I love dogs and I feel your pain! Over the past forty yearsI have adopted most of my dogs from the SPCA. I still grieve for my dogs who have died, but I am so grateful that they were mine for awhile. I currently have four dogs, and I love them so much! One is almost 14, one is 12, and the other two are 3. I thank God for leading me to them. What a wonderful gift!

  5. Jean Young says:

    I understand the pain with your loss. Our family lost our Sheltie when she was 13 ½ years. I was a single parent and had to work some night shifts. My 3 children always felt safe because she never let anyone in the house when they were in bed for the night. She also didn’t tolerate physical fighting and if they were ill she kept a close eye, lying close. If they shed tears she would lick them away. We had other dogs after but never one so special. You will forever remember her. Blessings

  6. Michelle says:

    Thank you for sharing her pictures and your love for her. I’m so sorry for your loss. No words see adequate. I’ve been there, I know the pain you’re experiencing. Im just so sorry.

  7. Sharon says:

    I teared and choked up for you,
    Atozmom reading and seeing your pictures. God gave you a wonderful friend. My pets are getting old, blind and having many other problems. 15 years ago when my kids were leaving home we went thru the deaths of my dear sister, mom, mom-in-law, like a mom to me and father-in-law. It was very tough. It’s so not fun when our pets are old and sick. And because our pets are so innocent, and you loved her so much for so long the passing is most painful. We have cried for our last two dogs that died, now this one is so old. And animals never caused the curse of sin and still have to die. I am so waiting for the new world coming our amazing God has waiting for us that is so much better than this one.

  8. Linda Goodson says:

    I understand completely and am so sorry. I can still easily tear up over one of our dogs that we lost over ten years ago. I know you are hurting but what a blessing to have loved and to have been loved by such a faithful canine. What a gift God has given us to share our lives with such loving pets. I’m sure you have a ton of wonderful memories.

  9. Suzanne says:

    I am so sorry! I teared up too reading your post. We had to put down our 15 year old cat back in February because she was sick and the pain in my husband’s and my heart was overwhelming. She will always be in your heart and she knows she was loved, right up to her last breath. I’m sure her brother is grieving too. 😦 Words are difficult to express so please know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. {{HUGS}}

  10. sprousecat@aol.com says:

    I know this pain too and I pray that Jesus will give you comfort as only He can. In the book “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn, there is a chapter about our pets in Heaven and it has really helped me. I hope you have the chance to read it someday. God bless you and your family at this sad, sad time. Carol

  11. kalliekaykat says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you. May our Lord give you peace and comfort in your memories.

  12. carolynn decker says:

    So sorry I feel your pain , I have lost pets that were so close it is like losing a child! You have the brother and your children to ease the pain. God bless and be with you.

    Sent from my iPhone

  13. Sweet Mama says:

    I am so sorry that you lost your sweet girl this week and I cried because I am already dreading that day with my Big White Dog. We love these big dogs knowing that they don’t live as long as the itty bitty dogs. I always had itty bitty dogs and one day we rescued a giant mixed breed puppy who was part Newfoundland and part big black dog. He has gone on and we miss him every time there is a storm and he’s not in our laps thinking he is a scared chihuahua. Now we have a Great Pyrenees who is a mess we all dearly love, giant fluffs floating about and all. One of my two best friends in the navy had English Mastiffs. They were such family dogs and so tolerant of the children. Was your girl an English Mastiff or Spanish or Pyrenese Mastiff? I will be praying for you and your family and her brother dog. Our Pyr still misses the Newfie and one day, another dog will show up adopt us. Meanwhile, we are thankful for the days we did have and pray for you and yours.

  14. Mary Ann says:

    You did the right thing for your beloved dog. She couldn’t tell you how much pain she was in (they try to hide it from the ones they love). You gave her the best life she could ever want here on earth. She is in your heart and will be until you meet again. I lost my beloved pet 3 years ago, and I feel your pain and know what you are going through, but it will get better as time goes by. God grants me so many wonderful dreams of her which make me know that she’s all right. Sometimes I feel her presence with me as I go about my life. You will feel your beloved’s presence too, wait and see. She will be with you always. Take good care of yourself and may God bless you.

    • Betty says:

      My sincere condolences, I lost my prescious cats, Whitey and then her sister. Blacky last year and I still miss them both every night when I turn out the light.
      I did not have my pets as long as you have but I know it is like part of you is gone. I believe our pets will be in heaven. I surely hope so. May God richly bless you and comfort you at this time. Betty

  15. Lenita Parson says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have 4 dogs and would be sad too if I lost one. Thank you so much for sharing. My heart is with you.

  16. carol says:

    I am so very, very sorry and sad for you, your family and your precious girl’s sibling. Your hurting is very real and do NOT let anyone tell you to move forward. Grieving for your beloved companion is important to your healing. I truly do not often give advice, but I feel I must share with you something my vet told me when one of my very beloved cats died and her litter mate became ill. We found out that he was grieving and we did not even know that. We realized that because we were so involved in our own tears and sadness that he was not getting as much attention as we should have been giving. The companion left behind hurts as well. Cuddle him and that alone with help you and him to keep her memory in your hearts. Take care of yourself and know that God will help you through this – please keep praying for his loving arms to wrap around you with warmth and love. Thank you for sharing the pictures. Your dogs are beautiful.

  17. Brenda says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I have lost two dogs as an adult, and it hurts so badly. We lost Missy four years ago, Buttons 13 years ago. I still grieve for them. We got another dog and he has not filled their spaces, but has made a space of his own. Psalm 145 was a great comfort to me in my loss. It reminds us that the LORD as compassion and love for all that he has made. Not just people, but for all his creation. He has compassion for you in the loss of your dear companion.

  18. Marianne says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t want to imagine the day that I will lose my faithful, loving, joyful, companion. Thank you for your beautiful words and pictures. I will pray that God will give you comfort at this time.

  19. Kevin Poorman says:

    I was sorry to hear of the passing of your beloved pet. I dread the day I have to say good bye to one of my three. Having had Dogs most of my 55 years, I have had to say good bye to several. The pain will fade with time to an aching memory, but it never gets any easier.

    I have been following your blog for a year now, mostly for your insights on BSF, Thank you for that.

    I will pass on a poem I came across. While it’s not Biblically accurate, but it may help with the pain. It’s called The Rainbow Bridge.

    Here is the link to a copy. http://www.legendofrainbowbridge.com/poem.html

    KP

  20. When I first read your post, I had to leave. I know the pain and it is very devastating. I suffer with you, our dear pet family leaves a huge hole, and it never goes away. It recedes, but when another suffers such a loss, our loss returns. My heart goes out to you. I think God has a place for our loving animal companions.

  21. Cheryl Henson says:

    I am so sorry you lost your dear dog. I know you hurt so much and your house seems very empty even with your children and other dog. There is a big hole in your heart that nothing can fill. It hurts so much to lose a pet because they never hurt us, loving us unconditionally. I am praying that God will sustain you in your grief. Your BSF postings mean a great deal to me. Cheryl
    PS We have two beloved dogs buried in our backyard and their leash, after several years without a dog, is still on the hook in the hall closet.

  22. Julia Chow says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 6 year old golden retriever to cancer 2 years ago and I cried and cried until I cannot cry anymore. I just remember all the good times we had together and I know I’ll see her again in Heaven. My 11 year old Golden Retriever just got diagnosed with cancer and was only given 2-3 months to live. I have been asking why God do that to me but a friend from church told me that God only do this because He knows that we can take good care of them, provide for them while they are sick and know when it is time to let them go.
    Even though they are gone, they will always be in our hearts.

  23. Deb says:

    I believe you will see her again in heaven. Our God who gives us so many good gifts and witholds nothing from those he loves is a God of all comfort and mercy. May His precious hand hold you close in the days to come. So very sorry for your loss.

  24. Paula says:

    It’s been 7 years since I held my yellow lab Cleo under the same circumstances. I know the ache. Made me cry for you.

  25. Barbara Sixt says:

    Loving thoughts are with you. I can only imagine how you feel.

    Sent from my iPhone

  26. Lyn says:

    I understand, with every tear.

  27. Jacky says:

    I am very sorry for your loss, May God give you strength to move on.

  28. girlie austria says:

    Thank you for sharing the photos of your dear dog and extending my deepest thought! Sorry for your loss. May God hold you in His love through this time of sadness.

  29. Janette Moore says:

    My heart goes out to you.  My dog died after living a long, long, life.  I guess I thought she would live forever – and I was devastated.    My job was the only way I could half way not think of her.   What a hole in my life.    I finally got “better” – one day at a time, one minute at a time –

    ________________________________

  30. Paulexania Billeter says:

    She will always be in your heart….My dog is almost ten and he’s getting old and I don’t want to even think about anything happening to him but I know that it will eventually…The memories are always there….

  31. edbender says:

    She was so lucky to have you. I have been through this. The Lord will see you through. Several weeks after I lost my dog I had a dream. It was like God sent her to let me know she was okay. Realy.

  32. Marti says:

    I lost my Sebastian justs recently. He was my baby boy and I loved him so. It still hurts so much. I just keep trying to remember that when I get to heaven he will be there waiting for me so we can romp and play together again. I am so very sorry for your loss!

  33. Pam H-J says:

    I feel your pain . . . when I put my Nell down . . . she could no longer walk, she was blind, had diabetes (I gave her insulin shots twice a day) . . . we had to finally let her go . . . she had a long life (14 years) and left us with many good memories . . . I was just looking at her picture on my desk this morning before I read your post. Thank God for pictures and memories and knowing that she will rest in peace in the arms of our Lord!

  34. Clint says:

    I do not know you, however I feel a great deal of love towards you. My wife and I have lost several furry friends and it never gets easier. I have commented to many people, especially those who have shied away from pets, that if you have any desire to experience unconditional LOVE in this realm, do yourself a favor and adopt a pet. Your smile will return, and your memories will support you, this I am sure. And thanks for your heartfelt comments over the years concerning BSF.

  35. cate8888 says:

    I left you my favourite poem in the other thread – I so hope it helps. I know I’m going to be a mess when my time for this comes – but I thank God everyday for choosing me to be their foster parent on earth on His behalf – for however long that might be – until he calls them home to him. So think that your beautiful girl has gone home to Him – and how happy she is – until its time for you to join her. Blessings and hugs.

  36. MyShopDiscounts says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. I only hope you’ll recover and be strong! When I lost my dog (Junior), I decided to live every moment to the fullest, in Juniors name. You are not alone! Continue to pour your tears out. It’s the best way to relief.

  37. I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing someone you’re so close to is very hard. I lost a cat – a close companion through 12 years – 2 months ago, and it sure is empty without her. Your dog looks very beautiful and kind. I have a Pet Memorial Board on Pinterest (http://www.pinterest.com/healingpetloss) and you are welcome to pin photos of her there. Just read the description above – or mail me if you have questions. Thanks for sharing your beautiful words and pictures.

  38. Janerose - Kenya says:

    So sorry for your loss. Hugs and kisses is what will help – I imagine you felt strength drain from you. Though it may sound like a Cliche’ time heals. Will journey with you as you continue blogging.

  39. Tonya says:

    I too am so sorry for your loss. My heart feels your pain. Last year I loss my dog and it was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. He was 14 years old and had loss his eye sight and he could not hear anymore. He had a lot of medical problems but we dealt with it because I could not let go (I was selfish) I got him when he was just a wee puppy and he went everywhere with me. He was there during the good times and he was there during the hard times. At the end I prayed that the Lord would take him so I would not have to put him down but that was not the case. I took him to the vet because he would not eat or take his medicine anymore. That morning he kept walking around in a circle. The vet said he had dementia and that “it was time”. I tried to be strong. I held him in my arms until he was gone. That night I was afraid I would have nightmares about him dying in my arms. I prayed and prayed that the Lord would not let me have bad dreams that night. I have never had a dream where I saw Jesus but that night I had a dream and I saw Jesus and next to Jesus was my dog and he was happy and he could see and hear and he was playing right there next to Jesus. Yes, God is good and faithful and merciful. I told my husband I would NEVER go through that again. This year we got a new puppy, Bella! My husband said to remember all the years I had with my other dog and all the love that we shared. I have a lot of love to give our little Bella and while I know that it won’t last forever I will treasure each and every day. There are no words that make the pain go away but over time the Lord heals our broken heart. I am thankful that the Lord blessed me with that dog and I will never forget him. I know that the Lord will heal your broken heart too because He loves us

  40. atozmom says:

    Thank you all for your condolences and kind words of advice. It’s been a couple of weeks now and I still think of her often. I cry less–but mainly when I look at her brother who I know is aching more than me.

    It’s strange how quickly you adjust. A bit disturbing actually to me. I miss her presence in my life.

    I wrote a song about her and my oldest daughter cries every time I play it. I think kids feel the absence more than adults.

    One friend of mine told me she doesn’t want to get pets because they die before you and she doesn’t want to put her kids through that. But I think it’s healthy to know life is precious and to cherish the moments you do have with living things (people too) around you.

    It’s something we all need to learn.

    Thank you all once again. I intend to leave this top-posted for a while. It’s a good reminder to me of the preciousness of God’s creations.

    • elinda says:

      On June 21, this year, I lost my Squeak (tabby). Squeak, Tiggy, and I had been together since Octoger 1997. They were my everything. Although I bonded with Tiggy first, Squeak had her way, that was uniquely hers and my heart. She had cancer, and I was told as weak as she was, it may be kinder to let her go. I sobbed and held her as she began her journey. She seemed to be okay with the decision and was ready to begin her trip. I cried for days and finally, with Tiggy’s help, I coped and was mending. Thank God I still had Tiggy and he had me.

      Tiggy and I grieved together, and started a new life without Squeak’s gentleness. Well, now it’s September and we are okay. Thursday, September 6, Tiggy was sluggish and wasn’t feeling well. Friday, September 7, I told him, if he still was moping when I got home from work, we were going to the vet.

      I came home and couldn’t find him. I looked everywhere. I called his name, over and over, and no answer. Then I saw him. Besides the couch, asleep. I said to my friend who was helping me look, “there he is.” The closer I got to him, the more anxious I became. I knew as I reached out to touch him, that he was gone. He died. He’s dead. Oh, how I hurt. How I still hurt. To lose both of them, so close together, is cruel and unusual misery. Why God? Why both?

      Today, is less than one month later and I cry as I write this. But you know what, if I could do it all over again, knowing the outcome, I would still be thankful for the time we had together. I love you, Squeak. I love you Tiggy. My babies forever…./Mom

      • atozmom says:

        I’m sorry for your loss. That is my fear as well: that my other one will die of a broken heart. I told him he must hang on for at least a year cause I don’t know if I could handle two gone too soon.

        I pray your pain be healed.

      • Lorrie. says:

        I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved Traf girl yesterday. I’m crying for you for myself and everyone who is grieving for their fur children. I hope you’re ok I’m so so sorry.

      • Elinda says:

        God loves me and He let me share 15 years with Tiggy and Squeak. They enjoyed me as much as I them. Praise be our Holy Father. Goodnight/Elinda

  41. jean dodds says:

    As I read your post my heart breaks for you. Our beloved pet of 15 years passed away about a year ago. We had him cremated and take him with us wherever we go. I know the pain your are experiencing, I have been there. I am such an avid animal lover and God knows our pain and I believe we will see them again one day. We still talk about him and all the cute things he did when he was a puppy. He was our love ! I am so thankful that God gave us these babies to love and take care of. I pray God will give you comfort

  42. I stumbled upon your blog and I want to extend my sympathy to you, and yours. I too have two precious dogs (my babies) and I feel your pain.
    Thank you for sharing. I was going to press the “like” button, but somehow it didn’t seem appropriate.
    Tracy

  43. Lorrie. says:

    My precious Traf girl died yesterday in my car on the way to the hospital. I can’t stop crying the pain is so excruciating. I feel like part of me died with her. She was fourteen and had pulmonary heart disease. I came home from work today and she didn’t greet me at the door. My two boys Fred and moosie miss her to. They aren’t themselves. Oh god please help me get through this.

  44. Elinda says:

    Thank you. I pray that your pain ease as you recall your wonderful moments in time God gave you with your precious beloved.

  45. daystardanes says:

    Oh wow…I have to apologize for my earlier post. I didn’t realize you lost your precious baby. I know all too much your pain in raising and showing and breeding Great Danes. Those giants are so special…I am so so so sorry that your heart aches…hugz and condolences to your broken heart…I am truly so sorry…

  46. Pam Peterson says:

    I just read your post regarding your precious dog and I just had to write. On August 11 of this year, I too had to make the hard call to our vet. Your story is almost exact as mine. My beloved Betsy (all six lbs of her) died peacefully in my arms. I too have never experienced such profound loss. Some days seem easier, but most days I feel simply desperate to recall detailed memories of her. I miss her more than words can say. As we go through Genesis I do take comfort in knowing that my dog meant as much to me as she did to her creator, and if nothing else I do thank God for sharing that incredible creation with me…..I understand and can feel your pain. I am so sorry 😦

  47. Marsha says:

    Would like to send you a copy of something that was helpful to me. It’s an article by Elizabeth Elliott. She wrote after her Scotty died. Will try to send it via email.

  48. […]  I kiss the dog.  I tell him what a good dog he is/was.  I tell him he will play with my dog, Bay, who died almost two years ago to the day.  Oh, how I miss […]

  49. […] I held my dying dogs in my arms, I blamed myself for their pain, suffering, and death.  I look at my cats, all of […]

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