It is a Compulsion that I CANNOT Quench…

…this thing called writing.

It just won’t go away no matter how much I try.

Yet this same compulsion causes me so much agony.

Because I see no results.

My works languish like a worn out farm tractor sitting in a field.

Relegated to word documents that sit on my computer.  Filed away on some hard drive never to be seen.

I pray, “God direct me.  Use me.  Use this gift.”

And I feel no answer.

It frustrates me.

I’m not getting any younger.

I feel called to something more, something great even, but it never comes.

Or it’s too slow in coming.

“God’s timing.”

Yep, got it.  Doesn’t help me much though.

My YA paranormal is going nowhere.  Discouraging.

I’ve basically given up on the thing.

“Who am I?”

Not Tim Tebow.  Jenny McCarthy.  Bill Clinton.  Sarah Palin.  Or anyone else famous who has written a book.

Started a new novel this morning.

Well, not new.  It’s a resurrected idea that I plan to completely re-write.

For I can only write what I know.  What I have learned.  What I think others NEED to know before they learn it the hard way like I did.

And tears are shed…

Still, my heart remains heavy.  No relief.  Just anxiety…

I feel lost right now.  Debating about taking unpaid work (being a columnist again) just to satisfy this yearning deep within…

Debating a lot of things I could do.  Trying to come up with new ideas.

Yet my dream remains the same.

There must be room for me.  Hundreds of books are published every year.  I have a niche…

Somewhere…

For everyone has a story to tell.

I just wish (and pray) I could pinpoint mine.

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20 comments on “It is a Compulsion that I CANNOT Quench…

  1. Elaine says:

    Don’t get discouraged you are an amazing writer! You have inspired me just reading all your posts! God bless you

  2. christine bauman says:

    I read and am blessed by your insight into God’s word you dont know me and I dont know if you have ever read what I have wrote. But I am touched by your words and Gods given you a gift to see things differently and inform me of new things. Please dont stop writing look at 1 Peter 5 8-10 and really realize God is teaching you and you are on a path. That path hurts and is not easy. I am praying for God to bless you today and that He gives you the vision of what He wants you to do. MONEy what is that coins…Now blessing people through your ministry and your unselfish sharing that ishuge. You may never get moeny for your blessing others the way you do but you will be aligned with God in the process as hearts are touched. Praying God’s blessings on your life…

  3. christine bauman says:

    ps I admire you to have the gift of writing, if God is in, it will happen,TRUST AND obey there is no other way….sending huge hugs and PRAYERS your way… I am in your courner praying for you…

  4. Deb says:

    I love you and your writing. Don’t be anxious, God has already worked through you more than you know:) You are a blessing to us. I pray your time will come soon to do greater things, as is God’s will. And if it is not His will then I pray he gives you contentment for everything you already do.

  5. Trent Lewin says:

    Your writing is yours. It has nothing to do with God’s timing; God has put you in a position where you can write. What you do with that is up to you. Stay with it, you can prevail, but it will not be easy, and why should it? This is a tough, thankless calling, but it’s worth it at times – but only you can decide if it is. Take the blessings in your life and use them to create your words.

  6. Beajay says:

    Your writing sort of reminds me of David crying out to the Lord! How beautiful ! yet sincere and full of hope! Just know that God hears you and ” he loves you!”

  7. Jeanne Whalen says:

    I say, write children”s stories that teach spiritual truth… not just “Bible stories” but stories that teach concepts of truth.

  8. Mary says:

    God hears you, yes but other hurting souls down here also hear you. So glad you can open up to us, so we can continue to pray for you. I am trapped in a failing body but your emails come through and help me face my pain. The Internet can be so impersonal but you have a way of writing that makes me feel like you are in the room with me. My God bless you, may He give you peace. Amen.

  9. Michelle says:

    I can so identify with this. I too am a frustrated writer (which is probably why my posts are so long, lol). Nearly everyday one person somewhere tells me I should write a book. No joke. I allow the overwhelming prospect of the publishing challenge discourage me. It’s stinkin’ hard to get something published!

    I will say this, with your insight and knowledge from studying God’s word, you’re in a situation now (as am I) where we’re accountable for that knowledge. We probably can’t write for our own satisfaction or blessing anymore, it now has to be for the glory of God. If that is truly your motivation, it will not return void. Before one knows all that we now know, they may write for any number of reasons. Now, with all this time invested in the study if God’s word and walking in faith, we’re truly His vessels. Our time here on earth isn’t ours, it’s not about what we can get for ourselves, it’s now about what we can do for Him. If you apply the spiritual insights you have to your writing, to your fictional work even, so that it leads people to the truth….well, then you may really be on to something. This is at least what I feel God has been speaking to me. I hope that helps.

  10. Jean says:

    Don’t give up !! Follow your dream !! You are a gifted writer. I do my Bsf lessons and then I look at your answers and I think hmmmm why can’t I write and explain the way she does !! You can do this !!!!

  11. Cathy says:

    Philippians 4:13 came to mind: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Right now, you are where God has placed you and He is working through you for His glory.

  12. Katie says:

    I learn so much from your responses to BSF lessons, which I read after I’ve completed my own lesson. I’m a new Christian, so it takes me a while:)

    Most of the time your summaries are more helpful than the notes by being simple and clear.

    I keep you in my prayers. That your heart’s desire is met, I believe, is up to God. I’ve been praying for something myself and it doesn’t appear I’ll get my wishes. (It has to do with a relationship.) There’s a reason, I guess, and I (and you) will just have to continue to trust in God and someday we’ll know the reasons why. Bless you and stay strong.

  13. wendy says:

    I felt the same way as you did….with photography. I wanted to be a professional photographer SO bad. I thought about it night and day, studied and practiced. I know I am a talented photographer, and that my talent is a gift from God. But everytime I would try to start my business, problems would arise. Doors would close. Something would go wrong. I’d make a big mistake. My computer would crash….ect. When it came time to take photographs for a client, I would feel dread. I’m shy, so I just thought that was why. I’d procrastinate and put off doing things I knew I needed to do in order to get my business up and running. I cried out to God so many times to tell me if photography was where He wanted me to be. No answer. I left my dreams at the foot of the cross so many times, I can’t even count. I kept taking them back. I’d get all excited again, make up business cards, take on some clients….same thing. Doors would close, problems would arise. The same dread and fear. Last year, an acquaintance of mine opened her own photography business, doing exactly what I wanted to do. Her business was an instant success. I was so jealous and envious I couldn’t even look at her work and consider it beautiful. I would look at her images and pick them all apart, knowing I could do better. I tried to start up my business again. Her business is going crazy! She has so many clients and sessions……so many that she had to hire a babysitter to watch her kids over the summer. So many that she had to hire someone to cook dinners for her. So many that she sits up until hours of the night editing photos. So many that she gets behind and posts on FB about how overwhelmed she is. So many that her 5 year old son told her “Mommy, put that stupid photo business away, it is time for you to pay attention to me!”
    …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
    I know now why I was never able to get my business off the ground. That is not God’s plan for me. God’s plan is for me to be here and available for my children. And never was that hit home as hard as it was early this fall, when my 14 year old daughter was going through a really rough time in school and in a relationship with a boy. SHE NEEDED ME. What if I hadn’t been there for her? What if I was busy off photographing someone elses family instead?

    At the same time I was also hired on as the Christian Education Director at my church, part time, I can set my own hours. I can be there for my kids when they are home from school, when they need me, when they have games or practices. I get to work with kids (one of the things I liked about photography). I get to teach others about Christ. I am enjoying every second of it. I’m thinking of going back to school to be a children’s pastor. I don’t feel the dread and fear I felt with photography. I feel like I am where I am meant to be. Like I am finally in God’s will.

    Sometimes in order to see the plan that God has for our lives, we have to let go of the plan that we have for our lives.

    • Michelle says:

      Thank you! I needed to hear this. I have always put my kids first. My career has definitely taken a back seat. I sometimes feel badly about that…like I’m not “doing it all”, It is worth it though, my kids are turning out great! They love Jesus. Hearing you say this confirms where I’m supposed to be.

      • wendy says:

        I’m so glad! God didn’t put us here to “do it all.” He put us here to love Him and to love others. WE are the ones who think we need to do it all. We put too much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone, to be like the “Jones’s ” next door. I believe our kids today are so abandoned….not intentionally, but because we are just so busy and caught up in life. I think alot of them are so lonely and they need us to be REALLY WITH them. Spending time, talking, really KNOWING them. How can we do that if we are too busy? I am so glad my words (they didn’t come from me!) could encourage you! Blessings to you and your family!

      • Michelle says:

        It’s so true! So many kids are abandoned while their parents persue “doing it all”. i know the guilt I sometimes feel is false, a lie that is not from God.

        The time goes by so fast. The things we did without due to the loss of my income we will never remember. I have the best memories with my kids that I wouldn’t trade for anything. My oldest is now 18. Its just hard for me to believe. The best gift I ever recieved was when his coach called me and said your son gave you a ringing endorsement, he said you’d be team mom because when it comes down it, no matter what else is going on, he and his sister always comes first. Then I just overheard him tell friends the other day the thing he loves the most about me is how I have always made our family a priority. It warmed my heart. I say all this to encourage you too, I have always put them and their schedules first like you say you’re doing now and it really is so worth it. It’s a blink from diapers to tuxedos. Maybe one day I’ll write the next great saga or pick up and dust off my career, but right now being a mom and studying God’s word is pretty great life indeed.

  14. wendy says:

    I just wanted to add how FREEING it was to finally REALLY let it go and just enjoy taking pictures, and to know I’m where I am supposed to be.

    • Michelle says:

      I bet, I can’t thank you enough for your honesty and sharing your story. It really encouraged me that right now this is where I’m supposed to be.

  15. Sandy Roberts says:

    I am so inspired by your words, maybe soon God will give someone the push to search you out. Your writing is so uplifting and down to heart it would be nice if you got the monetary value that you need and deserve. Blessings

  16. mcjackson says:

    I am not a writer….as I hunt and peck away here, but I just recently found your blog, and I apprecieate your thoughts, and your willingness to share. One big run-on sentence, get the red pen ready!

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