I Am Lost…

I actually googled this and nothing helpful came up so I thought I’d write about it…

"Hey, is this the right place?!"

“Hey, is this the right place?!”

I am lost.

And depressed.

I don’t know which direction to go. Which direction God wants me to go.

I get up in the mornings….lost.

I have no desire to write.

So I toot around on the Internet for a bit.

Then I look around the house for all those miscellaneous projects to do that I never usually make time to do.

Then I do them.

Then I’m lost again.

I think about this time last year and my life was in turmoil:  we were moving.

Today, it’s in turmoil; just in a different way.

Life always seems like this to me.  Just when things seem to be on the uptake, it falls.

The specific contributing factors change.  Today it’s how my husband’s new job is not what he thought it would be.  How we’ve burned through $10,000 in savings in the last few months just paying the bills (and, yes, buying up guns–we are one of THOSE people). And how the book I spent 2 years of my life working on is once again going nowhere and is a pages file on my computer.

So where do I go from here?

My husband wants me to find a way to make money online.  Not all that easy.

Me?  I’d rather get a real job again.  It’s easier.

I’d rather write.

But every time I sit down to write, nothing comes out.

Frustrating.

And so far I haven’t earned one dime from my writings.

I just had a birthday and I think, What do I got to show for all these years on earth?

Kids aside, not much.

And I know in one year circumstances will change.

But it will be something else…

And will I always have this lost feeling?

And I’m not talking spiritual here.  For I know God.

I am lost in a different way…

A way I pray will not be there next year…

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43 comments on “I Am Lost…

  1. robert henk says:

    I will say an extra prayer that you “find” yourself. Keep writing. Merry Christmas!!   Rob

  2. Cathy says:

    Try just turning your lost feeling over to God knowing that he will help you find your way out of the lost feeling. Just give it to him and quit working about it. He will help. It has worked for me many times though it isn’t easy to always let go. I will pray for you and wish you a Merry Christmas.

  3. SteveInVA says:

    Well, you know what I am going to say pretty much before I say it.

    No one enjoys a pity party, not even the one hosting it.

    So, what to do?

    People feel what they want to feel. If you want to be happy, you will be. If you want to be depressed, you will be. YOU alone feel what you WANT to feel. People cannot make you feel.

    I remember a dozen years ago, when I had my 37th birthday, looking at myself in the mirror that morning, thinking….. OK Steve… 1/2 your life is over…. where the heck did the 1st half go, and what did you do with it?

    That day forward I make it a point to do something for someone else, every day. Whether it is walking up to a homeless guy/gal, asking if they are hungry, walking to the nearest restraunt and buying them food. (Experience THAT joy sometime, and you will truly feel wonderful at the response you get) Or helping someone carry their groceries, opening a door, SOMETHING…. anything for someone else.

    My life is FULL, every single day.

    You say you want to write, but nothing comes out. I say you do not want to write, or it would be there. Give it a rest. It will be there when you are truly ready to write.

    Perhaps it is NOT a job per se that you need, perhaps it is more along the lines of needing to be needed? Appreciated?

    I am sure there’s an SPCA nearby or some sort of rescue place for animals….. or people…… GIVE your extra time to THEM…….

    My 2 cents.

    • Pete says:

      I agree Stevin – I am 69 and rally enjoying life since I was forced into retirement and somewhat resentful. The someone gave me your advice and BINGO- I took an 80 yr old widower and a 15 yr old innercity kid to see the Hobbit and to eat at MacDonalds yesterday! wow was I blessed -they were so happy and who but God could put together a threesome like us? I have joined 2 small groups of men that meet weekly and share together – they are wonderful times -this is not to speak of my own adult kids and esp my Grandkids -love being with them some – I am taking a Seminary course for free on-line and loving it not to mention BSF ! find things to do and be useful to others is the best and easiest way to get out of depression !!!

  4. Cairn2004 says:

    You’ve expressed yourself just fine. You are feeling; that’s what humans do. You are questioning, that’s what humans do. You see your circumstance. You want it to change. You have needs and wants and desires. You’ve made them known. Find rest; allow yourself to be who God made you to be. You can’t change who you are; you can allow HIM to change you by resting and continuing to trust. I don’t see a pity party in what you wrote…I see honesty and someone looking up for a glimpse of light during a dark time. Keep writing….you are gifted!

  5. Lissette says:

    Steve, what wonderful advice. “If you want to be happy you will be, if you want to be depressed you will be. You alone feel what you want to feel”.
    And you give the solution “do something for someone else”. I am 77 years old and have that feeling that my life is over with, but is it? I am healthy, have a wonderful husband, no stress in my life. I am so grateful but need something to do. I have never really looked to help others. Sure I help when the need is right in front of me but “looked”? Today I will change that. Thank you for your 2 cents.

    • SteveInVA says:

      Thank you Lissette. I hope I can still feel as good as I do when I get up there with you. Here in Richmond we have a lot of “fake” homeless, but if you really look at them, you can tell. They NEVER ask for much. I went with a friend to a McDonalds one Saturday morning and there was a guy sitting in there drinking coffee, who obviously was VERY needy. All he had was the coffee in fron of him…..

      Long story short. My friend asked if he was hungry. And he said, “no”…. She asked him again, this time a bit more stern… ARE YOU HUNGRY?… he just nodded slowly….

      She walks over to the counter, orders egg mcmuffins, pancakes, juice, etc…. Takes the food and walks over to the table… sets it in front of him, and the tears just rolled down his cheeks…. Heck, I have tears writing this…. Anyways, I can assure you that there truly is NOTHING greater in this life than trying to do something nice for people……. There are people in need 365 days a year, not just the holidays or when it is cold outside.

      If helping people is not your thing, there are loads of animals out there too.

  6. Jennifer says:

    Hi sister in Christ, everytime I go through difficulty God ministers to me through Robbie Seay Band and fills me again. God has ministered to me through them so much that I’ve even had a comforting dream about them once. Praying that God refreshes the stagnant waters you are suffering right now.

  7. Carole E says:

    I know I’m older than you because I have actually learned a few things about this life we live. It’s taken me 74 years! I’ve learned not to be discouraged about life. It’s never what you imagined it would be. Sometimes it’s lots better and other times it’s worse. Remember Prov 3 5-6, Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight.

    God hasn’t allowed sin to be wimpish. It’s full-force trying to deceive us into submission – 24-7. You’ll see it in everything you do – just waiting for you to let that guard down. Be strong, Atozmom. Look for God in everything you do. Even though this is a hard, confusing place to live, God is with us. He will make our paths passable in this desert. Trust Him.

    Bless you for your blog on BSF lessons. I read every one, and it helps! You don’t realize the good you do, but God does!

    Merry Christmas

  8. Lisa says:

    I smiled when I read your situation because other than the writting part, it describes how I have felt often over the years. But as I pondered on your situation (and mine), a thought came to my mind that perhaps as we study Genesis, we are currently experiencing Abrams life. He was faithful albeit not 100% of the time. Inspite of his faithfulness, for so long it appeared as if God would not provide Abram with the son that would inherit the land. But we know that God infact gives Abraham a son, Isaac whom would fullfill Gods promise. God is always faithful to his promises. Sometimes God answers us, just not in the manner we desire. As I see it, you are writing thru this blog with what appears to be a wonderful following, a blessing from God. Like Job, keep walking in Faith with God, thanking Him and praising Him for all the blessings in your life- His Son from which salvation and eternal life comes, your husband, your children, your family and friends, the roof over your head, the food you have daily etc. Keep praying and trusing that He will provide your needs (not necessarily your wants). I will pray for you and your family! God Bless and Merry Christmas! Lisa

  9. Sharon says:

    Atozmom, I know what you are saying. This is a battle for. The enemy whispers in my ear and I say, yeah, that’s true, without even realizing its a lie from the best liar of all. Its so smooth sounds true. I just read life on this fallen earth isn’t meant to be perfect but we can trust the One who is. suffering is Gods tool to expose our false belief and this mess to drive us back to the hope from Him alone.The mess can show me where I’m hanging my heart. p 81. from Authentic Faith. I’ll pray God be you best joy today and you here his voice best so we can live as an aliens and strangers here. 1 Peter 2:11, and 1 Tim 6:8 being happy that God has noticed us and said as to Abram follow me. I need to remember this too, Because this is Gods truth to His children. because so Christmas we can face today.
    Love to you and Christmas blessing

  10. gmardre says:

    When I get like this, I pull out my copy of “Purpose Driven Life.” If you haven’t read it then give it a try. If so, get it out and re-read. George

  11. Diane Boulter says:

    Hello sweety,

    When I was in such deep depression, every morning I’d ask Jesus to open up his breast for me
    then I’d step inside for the day. That was so wonderful & comforting that he was ALWAYS there
    waiting on me. Don’t let the devil take over your mind, he sure did mess up mine for awhile.
    The medical help I got for 18 mos was just wonderful, seems like my head was lighter, could
    cope with the day. We love you out here!!! Love, Diane

  12. tracy says:

    Can so relate to your words.
    Just know tomorrow is a better day, that is what I keep tricking myself with.
    Enjoy the beauty of Christmas through you little one’s eyes and tackle all the work BS next year year!
    Merry Christmas

  13. Ann K says:

    My prayers that God show you the path to find you. Merry Christmas.

  14. jenny says:

    His mercies are NEW EVERY MORNING! That is a promise we can cling to.
    The enemy is knocking at your door-don’t invite him in. Flee into the arms of someone less fortunate. A retirement center, ringing the salvation army bell, baking cookies for a neighbor, tutoring students – He’ll show you where he wants to use you. Continue to persue your passion for writing.

  15. Marva says:

    Going through tough times can only make us appreciate life and what God has in store for us. Keep the faith.

  16. Lee Stokes says:

    Don’t be getting depressed, that satan at work, you know that. All of this time here on earth is only a test. Everyday is a different test. Life is 10% of what comes at us and 90% how we react to it. You know all this…..don’t let life get you down, you are better than that. We love you and wish you and your family a most BLESSED CHRISTMAS ever!

  17. Patti Allen says:

    Thank you for being so honest with your feelings…..we all go through this as part of our emotional make-up…..hang in there, the good and uplifting feelings will be back….there is nothing like the structure of employment with responbilities, time commitments, etc. to give you focus….can you do regular or sub teaching…? I just feel you have talents and skills to use that would greatly benefit others. In Christ’s love, Merry Christmas

  18. Sue says:

    Amen to all those comments and prayers above. Some of us have to suffer and get to the bottom before we can be freed in surrender and rise to the top. Count your blessings. Give Thanks to God and then you can know Joy.

  19. Claire Simpson says:

    Sounds a lot like my life but something that has helped me when I become overwhelmed is to simply. “do the next right thing”and after that repeat the first step and “do the next right thing” and continue “doing the next right thing” until you regain your equalibrium. It sounds as though you have been jugglinG so many new and stressful balls which has taken its toll on your energy. Try to prioritize and don’t use up your energy doing things that don’t need doing. “doing the next right thing may mean not doing some things until you have regained your enery. Hope this helps

  20. BJ says:

    You put into words exactly how I’m feeling lately, and believe me, I could list a whole bunch of things that seem to knock me down. On the other hand, please remember that there are a large number of people who look forward to your writings, no matter which direction you seem headed. Your honesty in sharing is so uplifting to many of us out here in the ethersphere. I agree with Claire that doing the next right thing may be the answer. I learned that phrase in BSF. Sometimes it may be just making my bed, or looking out a window at God’s world, or doing a simple chore around the house or yard. Doing nothing never helps; doing something usually does. My best friend says “just get off your duff !” and keep moving. You are loved and respected more than you know. Merry Christmas!

  21. Bob says:

    Psalm 77 is not something I often refer to. I was looking for something helpful and it just sort of showed up on my computer.

  22. Carl says:

    I want to extend my deepest sympathies regarding your situation.
    Life can be over whelming at times Somes one can feel that one
    is in the University of Adversity working on a PH.D.

    I, too, have lost everything this year due to continued unemployment and a health issue which has changed my life for ever – and gone into major debt beyond what I ever could have imagined.

    Every day I have a little church service with me and the Lord –
    reading the Bible, praying, singing and listening to worship music.

    I found that reading Psalms and Proverbs in the King James Version to
    be extra encouraging.

    I do still have my down moments – but I’ve found there is nothing like my
    little church service to help me through these times.

    I really enjoy the songs”

    Jesus never Fails – by the Georgia Mass Chior

    and

    How I made it over – by Vickie Winans

    Thanks again for your writtings.

  23. Marsha says:

    Some day you be able to look back and praise God in all the ways He’s used you. Until then, keep on keeping on!

  24. Elaine says:

    I am right there with you……I will pray for you please pray for me

    • Carl says:

      Hello Elaine,
      I put a note on my phone to remind myself to pray for you.
      Blessing.

      • Sweet Mama says:

        Wani’s post gave me chills. I know the Holy Spirit is moving in your life and what you said really impacted me. I know I need to be more compassionate and allow God to work in those around me. And to read how you have persevered through such great physical and emotional trials was very inspiring to me. God bless all of you, too, and Merry Christmas. Thank you, Wani, for sharing this tough journey. We all need to be kinder and more compassionate and help push each other when we need a push and give each other things to ponder when we sense something might need attention and a lot more love and express more gratefulness. Our God is good. AtoZ Mom, I have faith and confidence that with God’s help you all will get through this and figure it out. My oldest did not get the audition for the job but I believe God has a plan and I have faith that He is stearing the boat and it will make port in the place that He knows is best for His glory.

  25. Sweet Mama says:

    As usual, Steve in VA gave some serious good Christian advice as did everyone else plus some encouragement. I think there was some good medical advice, some good daily living advice, and some great turn up the music and get out the old King James and turn to the Psalms and start your day advice.

    But I’m also picking up on the “get a job and make money online” remark from your husband.

    Is he feeling neglected when you spend so much time online researching and posting on this blog? Is he feeling some subtle resentment that you are providing a service and not being paid for it? I’m not saying this is what is going on but something for you to consider.

    Obviously, changing jobs always causes funds to be tight in the short run.

    However, you said you guys “purchased a lot of guns” and are “THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE.”

    Did you need more guns and more ammo because you don’t believe God will protect you? Does stockpiling guns and ammunition provide an illusion of control and safety in your life rather than God? Has this lifestyle choice become an idol for your family? (Again I am not saying that you shouldn’t have guns.)

    There are two adults in your home and three small children. How many guns can two adults actually shoot in the kind of catastrophic event you seem to be alluding to and preparing for?

    Guns and ammo in excess falls into a WANT, not a need. Ditto scrapbooking material, gardening stuff, books, cars, dolls, stamps, coins, electronics, clothes, cookbooks, etc.

    I’m the Former Queen WANT from the Country of Want It Now. God convicted me and I have changed big time. “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

    I’ll ask you what my brother-in-law asks me any time I’m frustrated, “How BIG IS YOUR GOD?” Do you trust His peace? Do you trust Him to protect you and your family and provide?

    You are a Christian with strong faith. Maybe this heartsickness and depression is because deep down your family is putting faith in things of this world rather than things of the world to come.

    When I am depressed, dragging, feeling rudderless, it is because I AM. And why? Because I am not trusting, listening to, or obeying the Great I AM. I always say that God troubles the waters when He needs my attention.

    Your blog is a wonderful service to many people. Could you consider some Christian ads on this blog from Christian publishing companies and other appropriate target audience to provide some revenue to help with household expenses?

    Thanks to everyone for the encouragement and for your open honesty. I will be praying that God leads you to those places that need attention so that in Him you have peace.

  26. Wani says:

    I can completely relate to your feelings of being lost. For the past decade, I have struggled with a rare illness similar to MS that has resulted in permanent blindness in my right eye and overall visual impairment. Ten years ago, at the age of 29, I had a severe attack that left me partially paralyzed. I lost everything – a good paying job at a well-respected hospital, my financial security as well as my own space (had to move back with my parents, which was a huge adjustment). Once I recovered, I realized rebuilding my life would not be easy. I went through a period of depression, but I was able to go back to work (despite several attacks over the past several years). Being able to work gave me a sense of purpose, and I thank God for giving me that opportunity,

    Unfortunately, back in 2010, I had two more attacks that forced me to give up my career for good. These past two years have been nothing short of a nightmare. I will be 39 years old in two months, and I often think of where my life has gone and how much I have lost. We all want to have a sense of accomplishment in life. I have always wanted to get married, have children, and enjoy the career that I have worked so hard for. But my health has forced me to make some tough adjustments. I still struggle with depression. There have been days where I have been so depressed that I have prayed to God that, if my work here is done, He would take me out of this world. I will never point fingers, judge another person, or say that their faith in God is weak because I will never know the pain unless I am in that person’s shoes. We just need to be understanding and realize that we are not perfect, and none of us is immune to circumstances that can result in extreme pain (physical, mental, emotional, etc). There are many examples in the Bible where people experience emotional pain. Having worked in healthcare, mental/emotional illness, in my opinion, is no different than any other illness requiring attention and treatment. We don’t criticize someone who is having a heart attack or a diabetic crisis, so why should the mind be treated any different?

    God has helped me get to where I am now. I still have days where I wake up in the morning with a sense of urgency, as though I have things that need to get done right away. I guess it’s that part of me that feels that I should be working and doing things that others in my age group are doing. I spent so many years trying to keep up with a world that just keeps getting more and more fast-paced. God had to take me out of that in order to prevent me from running myself into the ground. I fought against it for awhile, but I now recognize that it has been for my own good.

    I now savor the peace and quiet times, away from the fast-paced insanity of the world. Instead of being in a constant state of doing, I enjoy just being – being more connected to my Father and loved ones. This world would have us to believe that we are worthless if we’re not out there running the race (to nowhere) with them; that, unless we make a name for ourselves or have material wealth or prestige, we’re second class. But God doesn’t see it that way. Like others have mentioned, it is the enemy trying to put those thoughts in our minds. Satan wants to take out as many souls as he can before Christ’s return, and he is on a steady rampage. I encourage you to hold strong, in the Lord, and put on the armour of God each and every day. My journey in life is nowhere near over, and I know that I will always need the Lord to help me through that journey. If we were able to be strong all the time, we probably wouldn’t feel the need to have God in our lives.

    I think you have reached one of those periods in life where you are transitioning to something greater, even more profound. God is with you, you will find guidance and direction through the Holy Spirit, and you will come out stronger than ever!

    Rest, and let God take care of the details. I will continue to pray for you, sister. As a believer, I embrace you and love you! God Bless, and Merry Christmas.

  27. Debby says:

    I’m a new follower and I saw this in my email and it kinda scared me. I don’t know you or your circumstances but I am very sensitive to someone who is depressed. I won’t write them off, or tell them to pray more. I myself have struggled with depression for over 20 years. It runs in my family. My son died in 2003 – my dad died in 07 – my mom committed suicide in 08 due to depression. She couldn’t live without my dad. My best friend died unexpectedly in 2010. The way you describe your depression reminds me of me.

    The holidays are rough – for everyone who has loss in their lives. Besides praying and seeking counsel from a christian who deals with depression, keep writing. I too, love to write. It keeps me sane when I do have those dark times. I know you don’t feel like writing – so don’t write for money right now, just write to get out those ugly feelings.

    Yeah you are having a pity party but we all have them. Its that you were transparent enough to share them with the world. I will keep you in my prayers dear. I hate to see anyone go through depression and just the down feelings I am hearing you have.

    Joel 2:25 God will repay you for those years the locust have eaten. Blessings to you and yours.

  28. Keg says:

    not always. like the tide feelings ebb and flow. your BSF blog is amazing and something you should really be proud of. all the time and effort you put in and the research you do and pass along to people you don’t really know. i just say a story on Fox news about this lady who wrote a book called Elf on a Shelf. it was based on a childhood tradition her parents started. it took her a few years and they had to self publish and sold the first ones out of the back of their car. and even then it didn’t take off for a couple of years. now it’s a steady business with employees. check it out. Merry Christmas.

  29. Marilyn says:

    Your Bsf blog touches many lives and your service to God through your blog is a calling of great blessings to others, God, and you! I know your blog has blessed me beyond measure! God will show you where it is you are to go because as you know he is faithful and in charge of all things! He loves and cares for you and will reveal where your to go from here when it is His timing and it will be the perfect timing! The comments posted are good to ponder and consider. I will be praying for you and your family as you go through this difficult time! I wish you and your family the best and a very Merry Christmas filled with all the joy and love our Lord and Savior!
    Love in Christ,
    Marilyn

  30. Roseli Freitas from Sao Paulo, Brazil says:

    Dear sister in Christ! I felt very concerned about you reading your blog, today! As a testimony I would like to tell you that I am a 54year-old who can understand you quite well, but I feel in my heart there is hope!! Yes!! Be brave, pray, praise the Lord. My advice is, put the records on and praise the Lord! Sing to Him out and loud! He knows you and your family! He loves you! He is able to do much more than we can imagine.. I love you with the love He taugh me to share.. God bless you! Just finishing writing I was thinking of Esther.. read it and God is going to talk to you… be brave, never give up! Better days are coming for you and for me. Much love in Jesus.. Roseli

  31. Gail Bradford says:

    I, too, have experienced the feeling of being lost. Somehow all my emotions just go dead and I have no interest in live. Sending you prayers and blessings. I call it depression, it can come out and attack, and I always pray to the Holy Spirit to guard my heart and chase it away. Prayers might include a look at a too busy schedule, too many “I “gotta do this/that,” or exhaustion. God bless and keep you.

  32. Diana says:

    I don’t know what you would have to be depressed about. You have a roof over your head, food to eat and are blessed with health and healthy children. So many more blessings than millions of people in this world. Also, if you are so easily depressed, do you really think you should be buying guns?? That is a scary thought!!

  33. Mark Tan says:

    Hi, enjoyed reading your blog. Pray for The Lord to open doors for you…for your writing and book. Romans 5:3-5, “..but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given to us.”

  34. TJ says:

    You are not lost, Satan is attacking you. Be “STRONG”. Remember, Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD……….

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