Every Day I Feel Like a Failure…

when I drop my kids off at school.

I put my kids in school this year because I thought that was what I wanted and what God wanted.

I thought I was called to teach other children.

Turns out, it may be just mine I was called to teach.

My girls have tested way beyond their peers.  One of my girls has skipped a grade level.  The other could if she so desires.

My son is “bored” with school and continually asks me if he can be homeschooled.

My daughter who skipped the grade mentions it occasionally how she wants to be homeschooled.

Only my older daughter (the more social one) is resisting.

I am fighting the urge every day to pull them out.  To “re-claim” them so to speak.  Especially if the school teaches to the Common Core, I will have to.

I thought I’d get a job in education.  But no such luck.

I’m torn in two over the whole thing.

I’m just trying to do what is best for them and at this point I don’t know.  So I’m trying to give it time, but it’s killing me.  Every day it’s killing me.  Me and time are not best friends.

I’m praying fervently over it.  Trying to hear from God what He wants me to do.  I just feel like I could go in so many directions right now that I have no idea which one I should.

I could homeschool.  I could teach.  I could return to banking.  I could wait a year and try to get a teaching job again when schools are hiring again.  Or get a full-time banking job once my son is in first grade.  Or I could write (which I’m still doing but am uninspired at the moment so am taking a break).

All I know is how I feel every day.  I feel selfish.  I feel I’m letting my kids down (failing them) by sending them to school and them being bored a lot.

I thought I’d have a job by now doing something, but I don’t.  Hence, I feel useless.  My “teaching” job of teaching my kids is gone so I do feel like I’m not living up to my potential.  I feel lost.  Un-normal.  Out of routine.  Lackadaisical.  And all washed up.

I haven’t worked in 10 years and I’m not getting any younger.  I feel like now’s the time to go back to work but so far all the doors have been fervently slammed shut.

I’m just not sure I know what God wants my life to look like and that is unsettling, disconcerting, and nerve-wracking to say the least.

Yep, I’ve got problems…

Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

33 thoughts on “Every Day I Feel Like a Failure…

  1. I totally relate and I hear your heart. My best advice is one I have to work on everyday. My very first ministry is to my husband and to my children. I know a lot of women who “buck” at this claiming their own rights as woman but God truly put it on my heart to be satisfied with what he gave me, my husband and children. I NEED to do what he has laid out before me. Most everything else in the mix seems to overwhelm and stress me. He gave me a husband to help and children to love and nurture. My greatest days are those when I am completely filled with them. 🙂 Hope this helps! Know that you are not alone with the feeling of being pulled many directions.

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  2. Good morning,
    God gave you precious “jewels”….your children……..they are #1 priority,…. thier time with you is short and will go by fast……your time with them, even for one year to homeschool two of them, is such a wonderful gift only you can give…….
    the bond that is made by you and the kids with love, study, creativity, fun, etc. is priceless …..they will never forget this time together and the depth of caring you gave them. May God’s Spirit lead you

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  3. Sounds like retiring from the business you founded, been there. Reread what you wrote, the answer may be there, a good executive usually has a strong calling to develop others, the servant master concept on retirement I wonder if revisiting that thought that it is all about others and only by reference abouut you could be helpful.

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  4. Yesterday I was at a bible study and this woman was talking about how tired she was doing assembly type work, she had to do certain amount of pieces as a requirement, or she will risk loosing her job. She compared her self to a horse, because they type of work she does she has to stand up all day. As a result her feet get tired, during her work day she rest one foot on top of the other one, and takes turns during this all they long. This is why she feel like a horse ready to gallop any time but never capable of taking off her site.
    She also mention that she can endured everything how ever the one thing she can not live with, is the fact, that because she had to work she never had the opportunity to take her kids to school, not even to the bus stop, she was never a room mother, she never went to a field trip with any of her kids and was never really involved in her kids lives. All she did was work and she is not better off than when she started to work to begin with. I Felt so bad for her, because I had the opportunity to do all that that she couldn’t do. My kids are not what I wanted, pray and wish for them to be spiritually, and did all what a mother should do to the best of my capabilities at the time, but I have a clear conscience I was there for them to their reach at all time. One of my kids resents me for that, she tell me I was an over protected mother. she is now a mother, I trust that life will show her, what it feel likes to have the responsibility of a another human bean.
    You are an awesome mom do what you think is right for your family with out guild trips this is not good. Be at peace with your decision and may the Lord guide you and give you wisdom, by the way this woman’s kids are in their midst 20th to do other wise it is too late for her. God’s blessings to you. 🙂

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  5. Know many of us join in the spiritual battle with you by our prayers….

    “For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened…” (Ephesians 1:15-18a RSV)

    May Lord protect you in the spiritual battle, encourage you in His love and His grace giving you patience, quietness as He unfolds His purposes… prepares you for what He is calling you to do…giving His wisdom, comfort and understanding as you seek what to do and by His power of grace and ability to choose wisely….with a clarity to respond to His personal direction for you, your children and family.

    At times in our lives, we seem to be walking to Emmaus….feeling so defeated by what is happening…the Lord joins, but we do not know who he is. He walks along as a stranger….and then the unthinkable….He unfolds to us Himself, His Word…..and like those on the road to Emmaus, our hearts burn within when He walks along with us and opens to us His truth, His perspective in our situation (Lk 24:32). It’s His Presence, that burning, that passion, that enlightenment that revitalizes and moves….when our hearts burn with truth and we just simply respond…Soli Deo Gloria…at the power of His presence, the hope of His calling and the richness of His work in us….all before a watching world and the applause in the Heavenlies.

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  6. Sometimes what we need is right before our eyes. Your home, your kids, not the outside world. I believe God put you where you have been all these years for a reason. Your kids know it, but do you? Yes, I know when a wife and mother gives her “all” to her family for so many years, she wonders what it would be like to venture out into a new job, but I wonder if all of your failures happen because you are “right where you belong” right now. Your writing (which is so beautiful) is something you should treasure and be so proud of and your children (whom you have homeschooled) are God’s greatest gifts to you.

    I wish you nothing but the best in life, and may you find your peace and contentment.

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  7. I commend you for home schooling at all. It certainly is not my calling. I’m not surprised they are bored. They are not getting the same quality of education in school they did from you. But they are developing relationships with other children and while they may not realize it, they are learning about other people from these children. Take some time for yourself and get back into writing BIG TIME! Have school-type projects at home for your children once they get home. Related to what they are doing at school, but several steps ahead. When you felt God wanted you to put them into school, you knew He had a plan for you. He simply hasn’t revealed it to you, yet. Hang in there!

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  8. Wonderful that you’re a teacher for you children & love them so much. If you can take them back, they’ll
    get a better education & out of the non-Christian element. i will be praying. Diane

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  9. Proverbs 31: A woman of strong character! I love this chapter. It lets women know that they can take care of their husband, children and do all of the other things that reward the family. God has given you a talent of sharing the Good News with anyone who will listen. Don’t think your teaching skills are going to waste because all of us are richly rewarded every week with all of your bible writings and searches. If your bored while the children are in school, volunteer at the hospital or school preparing yourself for future employment. God Bless You!

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  10. The kids grow so fast, you blink and they’re grown. I know first hand. Jobs come and go, children are in your life for only as long as God wills but usually long after they’re grown which is a lot longer than a job. I wouldn’t trade a second I have had with my kids for any paycheck….It sounds like deep down you feel the same way. If you want to teach in time, great. Don’t think you have to do that now in order to do it later. Remember the word impossible has I’m (I AM) possible in it, God (the great I AM) can do anything. Even bring you a job when your chicks are ready to fly. Until then if you don’t need the dough, is say no. I truly believe kids need you more in the teen years than they do in the early ones. Just in different ways. Our house is where all the kids congregate. I’m grateful for that. I minister to my kids and to all their friends. It’s the best mission field on earth. 🙂 just my two cents. *hugs*

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  11. Yes, I believe God to calling you to home school your children. If you love your children, get them out of government controlled schools that are brain washing your children’s minds. They are teaching children to reject God, family and country. We are responsible to teach our children according to Biblical principles. You are not a failure for taking charge of your children’s education. Being a Mom is the most important career a woman can have. Don’t let the world shame you into thinking you are less just because you give up a career and choose to educate your own children. You will be doing your children a HUGE favor and you and they will be forever grateful. Here’s a quote I recently read concerning government schools: “I don’t understand why constitutionalists who believe in freedom still send their children to government schools.”

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  12. Have you considered homeschooling the 2 who want to come home? It’s totally okay to do that! 🙂 I appreciate your dilemma, and am praying that God will direct you every step of this journey… I hometaught my kids for several years almost 30 years ago. I am a teacher also. I then subbed for a few years, and then later easily went back into teaching full time. Yes, you can do it all, and you don’t have to rush back. Hugs!

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    1. I was thinking this too. Perhaps just homeschool the younger two and allow the one who is enjoying it to stay. Just to clarify my post above, I don’t believe you have to homeschool, my point above was more to point out that juggling a job and parenting can be rough when you’re trying to give your kids quality time. Both my kids have and are going through the public school system. They both love Jesus and are lights in the schools. The only way we have done public school successfully is because I have been available to my kids. I knew them, their friends, their friend’s families, their teachers, I volunteered, discussed, prayed, listened. If I was distracted by a full time position I wouldn’t have made them a priority. It is possible to raise good, solid, well educated, Christian kids in public school. You have to be present to do that just in the way you are present while Homeschooling. I tried to work in my chosen field while they were at school whenever possible but the kids were number one priority. For me homeschooling wasn’t the answer because my kids are so content around adults they would never seek people their own age. I needed to push them out of their comfort zone. In retrospect, now that I have one on college, it was the right choice. He has grow so much socially from those decisions we made. Every family and every child is different, maybe all of this was so you could see your oldest needs to be in a school setting, the younger ones should be at home. Either way, praying for you.

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  13. Not sure about your situation, consider home schooling the younger two and let the older one attend school, when Gods timing is right He will make it obvious what He has in mind for you maybe it is a job, maybe just being a Mum ( the highest calling a woman can have ). My wife was always a stay at home Mum and we have five wonderful adult children ( and their friends ) who keep hanging out with Mum & Dad.

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  14. You can’t go back in time so enjoy your kids. When the first one leaves for college, the family life will not be the same ever again. There will be a new dynamic. Remember, there is a silver lining to all dark clouds.

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  15. Breathe, Gods got this and will open the right doors. Patience is not my strong suit so I can’t help there but hang in there : )

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  16. Sounds as though you answered your question. Your heart is with your children and what higher calling can we have but the one to nurture and educate them. Blessings and peace to you.

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  17. You want to teach…have you ever thought of teaching children in BSF? I know you don’t get a paycheck, but you might feel more useful. It is very rewarding, to say the least. Can be challenging at times as well. Your children might also like attending BSF if they don’t already. That might be an answer for all of you.

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      1. Thank you so much for volunteering. Those of us who teach with little children need faithful volunteers like you so we can serve God too. As far as you teaching, if you would be interested, I would let my group leader know. She can pass along the info to the teaching leader. Then when a place came open, they could talk to you about it. You never know what God has planned out in your life or how many people you touch.

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  18. Thank you for this post. You continue to show your human ness to all. By sharing your thoughts and feelings openly makes me feel good. I’m not glad for your situation, but listening to you and your problems helps me to see that my every day fears are not that bad. You sound like a really good mom and your kid’s education is very important to you, otherwise you would not feel like a failure. I can assure you, that you are not a failure! Hang in there and let God lead you in the direction he wants best for you. God bless you!

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  19. I’m not going to repeat the many good answers and spiritual advice above. I will say that once you are out of the job market, it is almost impossible to get back into it. I would have loved to have gotten a teaching job after my last one left home but no one will touch a twenty year old degree, even with a current license with a ten foot pole because of age and health insurance. Much cheaper to hire a 22 year old who isn’t likely to have health issues in the next ten years. My friends who laid out like me can’t get hired either. We’re stuck doing day care centers and in our state, that means taking care of far too many children and being expected to scrub and clean the bathrooms, mop the classroom floors, take out the overflowing trash multiple times a day, while making minimum wage even with a teaching degree. The schools NEED teachers who love Jesus. I’m not saying do it or don’t do it. I’m just speaking the reality of what is going on out there.

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  20. I’ve seen this so many times- stay at home mamas who finally want to go back to work but can’t, either because there just aren’t any jobs available or they’ve just been out of the workforce for so long that employers are hesitant to take them back. Anyone who says a 10 year gap out of the workforce doesn’t matter is crazy. It’s unfair, but it’s the way it is.

    I think a lot of stay at home moms feel it’s their God-given duty to devote themselves entirely to their children, that without them, their children will be lost to the wiley ways of the devil and *gasp* the public school system or whatever. My own mom felt exactly the same way, and was a stay at home mom for 15 years…until she got divorced and was left with absolutely nothing- no job prospects, nothing. I would never wish this situation on any mama.

    I think it’s really, really poor planning to completely shun the workforce- after all, you may really need it someday.

    And do you really think your kids will be bored forever? I guarantee this is just temporary. They’ll live.

    I’m so sorry you feel so out of place at the moment and hope you get something figured out. Know that your kids will be fine and so will you (eventually). 🙂

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  21. I think you will know the answer in time…and it’s struggles like these that years from now we can see how God worked his plan… Just focus on today, this hour…and do the next right thing. I think the answer comes in time to all of us. I am trying to make some of the same decisions, and I have decided to take it one year at a time and see what happens. I also think it takes about 3 months for a change to really settle in…the school year is still young…neither choice is wrong. Just ask God to guide today, and things will come clearer in time. Follow the Peace…

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  22. I gave up a teaching career to raise my three boys. It is not easy. Now that they are grown, I wish I could return to the classroom…but that is not what God wanted. I thank the Lord that they are well adjusted, loving, married and serving the Lord. I wanted to homeschool the one, because he was extremely shy. I bought the materials and everything and decided not to be his teacher. We prayed through every year. Then our social one had learning problems….so many reasons to keep them at home? Not in our case.
    We prayed, the boys adjusted and grew and it all turned out great. You will know in your heart what to do. Keep seeking Him!

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  23. I’m sure The Almighty God has a great plans for you. Please don’t give up. Keep on leaning on Him. He’s a loving God, He’ll never let you go through it for long. May He give you peace and right direction to follow

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  24. I just wanted to tell you that you are not a failure by any means. Your children are important to you and you show that. Keep praying and He will lead you! God bless you!

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  25. I was an at home mom until my youngest was in 4th grade. Our small little Catholic school needed teachers. I was qualified. So one night I know God spoke to me and I knew I could help out. It was a wonderful fulfilling time. The school did close, but it was great while it lasted. Let God speak to you, He will put you where you will do the most good.

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