Ever Notice Your Calling is Not Your Choice?

I’d love to take the path most taken: put my kids in school, work out at the gym, sip coffee with friends, go shopping, take vacations, and lead a normal, suburban life.

But I can’t.

And I don’t have a choice about it.

I must follow where God leads and that’s not exactly the way I’d go and certainly not the easy route that’s for sure.  I’m called to write:  a path full of rejection which I’m not good at taking.  I’m called to homeschool–a bit out of the mainstream but growing by leaps and bounds as more and more parents realize what a classroom full of 30 kids is really like compared to 3 kids.  I’m called to be a wife and mother and care-taker of animals.  And I’m sure I’m called to other things; I just can’t see them at the moment.

Not that my life is hard.  In fact, I’m very, very blessed.  I have a hard-working husband who supports me in all I do.  I have wonderful, healthy kids who are growing up strong in the Lord.  I have 2 dogs and 2 cats to care for.  I have a home, cars, God, and love.

Yet for those who are blessed, more is expected.  I am called for more and I can’t quit until it’s achieved.  My calling is also not my own.  I don’t think I would have chosen it.  In fact, I know I wouldn’t have.  I would have chosen to be born to royalty (or at least to millionaires) and led a cushy life for the my brief time here on Earth.

But I wasn’t.

I was called to lead an ordinary life in a not-so-ordinary fashion.

All because of God within.

It drives me, propels me, forces me to do so.

Even when I have no desire to.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20:  “…You are not your own; you were bought at a price.”

I am God’s.  And I’d have it no other way.

My Ideal Life…

So school (and hence my job) has been on a two-week break.  It’s been nice (after I recovered from my nasty illness).  I’ve spent the days cleaning my house, visiting family and friends, reading books both to my kids and to myself and my gym membership started on January 1st so I went to the pool, which was awesome!

I also have been querying my just completed YA contemporary novel (this is where you try to find a literary agent in order to sell your work to a publisher).  To be quite honest, I am holding out no hope really of landing one.  But I do it anyways so then I can move on to my next book, which I think I will return to non-fiction which was the first book I wrote about 7 years ago when I was called to this “career”.

Me Reading City of Bones
Me Reading City of Bones

One of the books I read was City of Bones by Cassandra Clare.  I saw the movie version and liked it, so of course I grabbed the book since it’s in one of my favorite genres to write (YA paranormal).

I liked the book (except for the ending) and would recommend it if you like that stuff, but it was depressing to read for the simple fact it made me jealous–jealous because I don’t think I can write that good of a book.  It made me want to start writing another YA paranormal almost instantly–until I thought I have no inspiration at the moment.

After reading City of Bones, I believe my current novel to be utter crap and won’t go anywhere like the rest of the books I’ve written.

So now what?  Well, I pray.  Pray for my book.  Pray I write something that will impact someone somewhere.  Pray someone will believe in that dream with me as well–enough to get me published.  Pray I do God’s work and not my own.

So why is this my ideal life?  Because I got to read a book!  I haven’t read a book outside of kids books since Killing Jesus (and that took me almost 3 months to finish)!

I got to do what I wanted to do (for the most part), which is sit around and read books.  No kids activities to run to.  No guitar lessons to make.  No job I had to get up for…

Still, there is something deep inside of me that craves more.  It craves this book (whatever that will be).  It craves it more than a pregnant woman would ice cream.  And the restlessness inside of me never goes away until I have it…