For the last few weeks or so, I’ve been feeling far from God. And I couldn’t figure out why. I was forcing myself to pray at night and it was usually just quick and simple like “Thank you God for everything” type prayer. Church wasn’t speaking to me. Bible Study wasn’t speaking to me. And God, of course, wasn’t speaking to me either. I couldn’t read the Bible and really couldn’t do much of anything but go through the motions (something I hate doing). At least I didn’t hear anything because I wasn’t listening. Something was in the way.
Then, I started working on my novel again. I started reading advice on the internet and doing research and an idea came to junk my first chapter and begin with chapter two. Well, I loved my first chapter so this is always hard when you are cutting stuff that’s good but not good enough to grab the reader right off the bat.
So I felt energized. I did this relentlessly, every spare moment for a couple of days. I started to feel like I was accomplishing something, moving towards my goals in life. And since this is my God-given purpose in life I started to feel a bit closer to God.
Gradually, over a week or so, I felt closer and closer. I listened to on-line talks from church. I finished up BSF and delved in a bit deeper on some things. I read my blog and all the encouragement and joy I receive from it began to soak in. I found a new God-song to fill my weary soul with music that is so important in my life.
All of these things added up to yesterday where I was excited to spend time with God. I eagerly prayed, read the Bible, and went about my daily routine with a spring in my step. But with God, it’s never a routine. I had BSF, the sun was shining, my daughter had her first guitar lesson, and husband came home.
In the midst of this, I learned a few things:
1) Don’t force it. I didn’t freak out. I just let what be….be. I knew I had strayed, got in a funk for whatever reason and I just took a step back, knowing I’d be close again soon, letting whatever emotional junk get out of the way.
2) I knew God was there. I was just walking a few steps behind Him. I knew I’d catch up soon enough.
3) God knew what I needed before I did. He knew what to send me at the right time to snap the inhibitor in my brain out of my human resistance. I didn’t know this one at the time but because I was relatively calm I recognized it when it happened.
My understanding of God has increased. I grew in my walk with Him because of this. My trust in Him increased. He showed me His faithfulness again. And He re-iterated His purpose for my life. All of which makes me who I am sitting here today–and a bit more like Jesus.
And it’s okay to feel far from Him for a bit. It’s in His plan for us. It’s human. It’s natural. He knows we’re not perfect. He knows our heart. And He welcomes us back with open arms.