Ode to the Struggling Writer…

Ode to the Struggling Writer…

 

I don’t know why I agonize

Does it matter if it’s “just” or “only”?

No one will ever read it anyways

It’s just for my eyes

Or is it only?

 

Still….

I continue anyways

Some dim hope glimmers

And pushes

Despite the meaningless I feel.

 

As time ticks by

I ebb and flow

But unlike the Moon

It matters to me.

 

And that is all I know.

What Do You Do When You Feel Like the Whole World is Against You?

This morning I fell.

Suffice it to say, my back and my mouth hurts.  My lip is swollen and my teeth hurt.  I’d go to the doc/dentist but it’s all so swollen there’s nothing to be determined.  Plus, I’d like to see if it’s all just my overblown imagination that “something’s wrong” before rushing anywhere.

So, I was angry about that.

Then I was working on my novel and I had to chuck the whole first chapter.  And that always gets me thinking, “Is this really worth it?”

I don’t  know about you, but I always am thinking what else I could be doing with my time.  I’d love to lay in bed all day long, sipping coffee, and reading a book.  Never happens.  One day maybe.

When stupid stuff like falling (my fault by the way) happens to me I always wonder, “What’s the point?”

Of being healthy.  Of striving to do my best.  Of working so hard with never seeing results.  Of striving to do God’s will and always feeling at the end of the day that I’ve failed.

It just all seems pointless, meaningless.

I know exactly how the author of Ecclesiastes feels.  Exactly.

You live a life and in the end what do you have to show for it?  Pain, heartache, trials, difficulties, and some joy and triumphs.

But why is it the trials always seem to trump the triumphs?  Funny how the word trump and triumph are so similar.

I pray to God “Why?” and just once I’d wish He’d speak to me like He did the prophets.  Just once.

Yes, I know.  You have God to show for it.  But in the moment it’s easy to believe He’s far away.

I feel like this world is against me.  So what do I do?

The crazy answer is the same thing I always do:  keep at it.  Never giving up.  Keep moving forward.  Taking the hits as best I can when they come and praying for strength through them.  Then relishing the triumphs that always seem lagging when they do show their face.

So, I lay on my dog and shed a few tears on her fur as she sniffs me, wondering what’s wrong with Mommy today.  I pray I can feel my mouth again soon and pray my back is just bruised.  And pray I’m not so stupid the next time around.

Then I pray for strength, courage, and perseverance for this day.

For if I make it through today, I’ll make it through tomorrow.

Here I Go Again…

So, I’ve started going over my novel again after about a month of inactivity.  It’s one of my summer goals to finish up the editing.

Admittedly, I did not want to do this.  Thoughts kept running through my mind of, “Is this really my calling?  Why am I wasting my time again?  Maybe I should just give up…”

But you know me.  Giving up is not an option and I don’t like to lose  so I began.  I made little changes here and there that I actually liked.  And after about 2 hours of working on my first chapter, I ended the session with a bit of a high, thinking, “Okay, so this is better.”

And encouragement to continue in this endeavor.

I am also learning stuff about writing from my kids homeschool curriculum.  Where was this stuff when I was a kid?  I continually think my education was severely deprived or at least hindered when I see what my 8 year old and 7 year old are learning.  And at their age!

They are learning stuff I don’t even know!  In a way it makes me jealous, gives me incredible hope for them, and inspires me that you can teach an old dog new tricks (our saying for the week we are learning!).

It feels good to be back on track again.  I just pray this continues for the immediate future, long enough to finish this project and start seeking an agent for it.

Yet most importantly I feel continually blessed by God every day of my life.  I know no matter what happens He is there, always, by my side, cheering me on and holding me up. Forever.