This morning I fell.
Suffice it to say, my back and my mouth hurts. My lip is swollen and my teeth hurt. I’d go to the doc/dentist but it’s all so swollen there’s nothing to be determined. Plus, I’d like to see if it’s all just my overblown imagination that “something’s wrong” before rushing anywhere.
So, I was angry about that.
Then I was working on my novel and I had to chuck the whole first chapter. And that always gets me thinking, “Is this really worth it?”
I don’t know about you, but I always am thinking what else I could be doing with my time. I’d love to lay in bed all day long, sipping coffee, and reading a book. Never happens. One day maybe.
When stupid stuff like falling (my fault by the way) happens to me I always wonder, “What’s the point?”
Of being healthy. Of striving to do my best. Of working so hard with never seeing results. Of striving to do God’s will and always feeling at the end of the day that I’ve failed.
It just all seems pointless, meaningless.
I know exactly how the author of Ecclesiastes feels. Exactly.
You live a life and in the end what do you have to show for it? Pain, heartache, trials, difficulties, and some joy and triumphs.
But why is it the trials always seem to trump the triumphs? Funny how the word trump and triumph are so similar.
I pray to God “Why?” and just once I’d wish He’d speak to me like He did the prophets. Just once.
Yes, I know. You have God to show for it. But in the moment it’s easy to believe He’s far away.
I feel like this world is against me. So what do I do?
The crazy answer is the same thing I always do: keep at it. Never giving up. Keep moving forward. Taking the hits as best I can when they come and praying for strength through them. Then relishing the triumphs that always seem lagging when they do show their face.
So, I lay on my dog and shed a few tears on her fur as she sniffs me, wondering what’s wrong with Mommy today. I pray I can feel my mouth again soon and pray my back is just bruised. And pray I’m not so stupid the next time around.
Then I pray for strength, courage, and perseverance for this day.
For if I make it through today, I’ll make it through tomorrow.