It is a Compulsion that I CANNOT Quench…

…this thing called writing.

It just won’t go away no matter how much I try.

Yet this same compulsion causes me so much agony.

Because I see no results.

My works languish like a worn out farm tractor sitting in a field.

Relegated to word documents that sit on my computer.  Filed away on some hard drive never to be seen.

I pray, “God direct me.  Use me.  Use this gift.”

And I feel no answer.

It frustrates me.

I’m not getting any younger.

I feel called to something more, something great even, but it never comes.

Or it’s too slow in coming.

“God’s timing.”

Yep, got it.  Doesn’t help me much though.

My YA paranormal is going nowhere.  Discouraging.

I’ve basically given up on the thing.

“Who am I?”

Not Tim Tebow.  Jenny McCarthy.  Bill Clinton.  Sarah Palin.  Or anyone else famous who has written a book.

Started a new novel this morning.

Well, not new.  It’s a resurrected idea that I plan to completely re-write.

For I can only write what I know.  What I have learned.  What I think others NEED to know before they learn it the hard way like I did.

And tears are shed…

Still, my heart remains heavy.  No relief.  Just anxiety…

I feel lost right now.  Debating about taking unpaid work (being a columnist again) just to satisfy this yearning deep within…

Debating a lot of things I could do.  Trying to come up with new ideas.

Yet my dream remains the same.

There must be room for me.  Hundreds of books are published every year.  I have a niche…

Somewhere…

For everyone has a story to tell.

I just wish (and pray) I could pinpoint mine.

When I’m Rich and Famous, I am SO Hiring a Professional Editor…

What I’m Dreaming Of…

I just spent 2 hours editing a grand total of 2 of my novel pages.

With every edit I tell myself this is the last one.  Then I convince myself to do one more reading…

Always my downfall.

So “this is my last reading.”  Was supposed to be quick.  Supposed to be…

Exasperation reigns right now.

I now know why every author thanks their editor on the “Thank You” page of their book.

And as soon as I get a novel published, I’m hiring one.

Because this stuff should DEFINITELY be left to the professionals…

Just When I Think I’m Done…

I have been anxious to begin querying on my novel.  I’ve been this way since I finished really.  Last week, I thought I was done so I began to write my query letter.  I worked on it some more this morning when I read something on the internet that made me decide to rip apart my first and second chapters.

So, I spent 2 hours this morning doing just that.  Fine.  But I’m just that much further from being done.

Then I had a thought that I usually always have when I’m writing a book:  does it really matter anyways? Will anyone ever read this?  Does anyone care but me?

It’s just frustrating.  People think writing is easy.  It’s not.  Far from it.  It’s constant second-guessing. Constant wondering if this sounds right, if this is saying what I think it’s saying, and if anyone will ever read this stuff beyond, well, me.

And when the tough part is over (completing a novel) then the selling begins (an even tougher part for me)–convincing someone my novel is worth something to someone else besides me.

I dread this part but yet it’s the most important element.  I’m taking my time on this one, trying not to screw this one up.  Trying not to screw any of it up really.

So I pray and hope and keep working and maybe one day…