Category: Life

The Beautiful Life I Live…

by atozmom, posted in Life

Twenty years ago I was in London when the world got the news Princess Diana died.  Six days later I was standing on Pall Mall when the royal family walked by, following Lady Di’s casket, everyone around me leaking tears.  I didn’t understand then.  I was a 20 year old American studying abroad.  To me, this was more of a news event than an actual funeral.  I didn’t understand the grief of my English friends.

Princess Di and her Kids

I do now.  I completely understand now.

I can’t imagine being taken from this world at the age of 36, leaving two children behind who need a mother more than they need their own life.  I can’t imagine the shock this must have been to all who knew her.  The devastation. The hole.

You don’t have to be famous to leave that hole.  I hole is left inside of someone (even inside of God if you have no family) when you die.  One day you are alive.  Living.  Breathing.  Then the next you are gone.  Food for the tiny creatures God created to return your body to dust.

That day I had big dreams.  Of a life of travel around the world.  Earning tons of money.  Doing something grand and important in this world.  Making a big impact in the business world.  Perhaps even having my own name written about in some major publication.

Fast forward 20 years.

Here I am.  I’m sitting inside a Panera Bread.  Waiting for my two oldest children’s school to let out so I can go and pick them up.  Then one will go to Cross Country practice.  The other has Swim Team practice.  One is in high school. The other middle school.  On the drive there, they both will compete for my attention as they tell about their lives at school.  Which teacher was boring.  What homework they have.  What funny thing a boy said in class.  How they both wish Christmas were here already.

Once I drop them off, I’ll head home.  Make sure my youngest, my baby boy, made it home from school on his bike. See what he needs.  Start dinner.  Check the mail.  Drag in the trash cans from the street.

I’ll wash some dishes.  Start some laundry.  Go and pick up my girls from practice.  Go home.  See if anyone needs help with homework.  And then attend a local board meeting of which I am a part of that meets once a month.

Then home.  To pet my cats and dogs.  To gaze at my fish the kids recently sold lemonade to acquire.  Unwind with my husband.  Check my emails.  Plan the next day.  Go to bed.

A very ordinary life.  A far cry from what I had envisioned 20 years ago.  But one I would not trade for the world. A very beautiful life in a very beautiful planet earth (of which the eclipse reminded all of us is such a gift from God). One Princess Diana vanished from when her life ended tragically.

I can’t believe it’s been 20 years.  It went by so fast.  Luckily for me, it passed in such a beautiful way.

I need to remember this when the little things in this world threaten to pull me away.  When plans change that I want to get angry at but which I know will work out for the better.  When the future threatens to pull me from the present moment.

Today I went for a lunch time walk with my husband.  A rarity indeed.  He’s currently unemployed, having quit his job which was going nowhere for him.  He is searching for another.  And he has many opportunities.  And I am thanking God for this reprieve from the hub-bub so we can re-connect and be together.  Before he is taken away again.

Every moment is precious.  With friends.  With family.  With animals. With God.  Cherish it.  Embrace it.  Stay here. For as long as possible.  Hug your kids.  Kiss your spouse.  Remember one day all too soon you will be gone.  Don’t dwell on that fact.  Instead use it to power and fuel your life.  Fulfill your life’s purpose.  God’s intended purpose for your life.

If you do, I promise your life will be insanely beautiful.

A beautiful life

Man Never Changes…

by atozmom, posted in Life

I’ve been out of the work force for over 12 years.  I’ve been extremely blessed to be so.  However, over the summer, I have taken a full-time position.

Admittedly, I’ve led a pretty sheltered life.  Not having to deal with adults on a day-to-day basis, I’ve been molded by children and their worlds.  Kids are authentic and real.  They are not perfect, but in general what you see is what you get.  They don’t deceive except when it comes to candy and chocolate.  They are the best of man before mankind changes them.

I’ve had a few hard lessons to digest over the last two weeks.  I’ve learned I have to have boundaries with people.  I’m frankly a very attractive woman and last week I was asked out on a date (I’m married for those of you who don’t know).  It disturbed me because all I was doing was listening and asking questions at my work.  That was it.  A very innocent conversation about weekend plans.  But somehow a line was crossed and I paid the price.

Yesterday, a work colleague whom I thought I knew stole a bonus from me to put it simply.  I asked for his advice on a client and he basically stole my client right in front of me.  It hurt.  I don’t want it to.

Immediately, walls went up.  I’ll never trust that colleague again no matter how much he apologizes.  I won’t lean on him again when I need help in learning our company’s computer systems and my job.  Our relationship of joking around will never be the same.  Because a wall went up.  And I don’t know how to bring it down.  It saddens me.  Immensely so.  Because I don’t want one to be there.  Worst of all, I’m afraid it’ll affect the rest of my work relationships as well.

I’ve spent my whole life behind walls mainly from childhood and it saddens me.  I don’t want there to be walls in my life.  And I don’t know what to do about them.  All I can do is pray.  But for me, prayer in this situation is a slow process.

Now, I have to be wary of what I say to clients.  Wary of being too much of a listening ear for those who need to vent their life’s frustrations.  And worst of all wary of someone I work with every day.

I think of the book of Revelation and how man never changes no matter what.  Deep down mankind is selfish and greedy and vindictive and lustful.   It is his nature.  And to protect ourselves from ourselves we build walls.  Walls that are easy to erect but take forever to crumble.

I don’t know how to get over what happened yesterday.  I am sad and hurt and time must do it’s job.  I don’t know how to forgive and forget. I don’t know how to re-form that relationship.  He was my favorite colleague.  My go-to guy.  My friend.  And now…

I haven’t cried in a long time.  But tears are rolling…

I feel naive.  Stupid.  Out of sorts.  All mixed up when I shouldn’t be.  And now guarded.  When I don’t want to be…

I don’t want to change who I am at work.  But I fear it’s too late.  Because a curtain descended yesterday over my heart.  One I can’t rip apart like the coming of Christ.

Any advice would be greatly received and appreciated.

Help! I Lost My Voice…

by atozmom, posted in Life

It started on Tuesday after I had taught 3 classes.  My voice got crackly.  And then went hoarse.  The next day I couldn’t talk.  So I googled.  It says rest your voice as much as possible.  Drink plenty of fluids.  Use a humidifier.  Suck on cough drops.  “Soon” it’ll go away.

So I quit talking and started typing on my phone.  I type out my order at Starbucks.  I type out directives to my kids.  I text my husband instead of yell for him when he’s downstairs and I’m upstairs.

And now I wait.  And wait.  And wait.  It’s okay, but I have to work in a couple of days.  I pray it gets better.  I’ve been looking forward to this day as it’s a launch where we teach a new release for the first time.  We do it as a team and it’s very exciting.  But not if I can’t talk!

I’m asking God why.  And what is this supposed to teach me.  I’m not sick and I suspect it has something to do with the 18 years of second-hand smoke I had to breathe in from my mom smoking when I was a kid.

It’s very humbling and you realize how much you do take your voice for granted.  How much you communicate with it.  And how much it’s a pain not to have that ability.

So instead of me reading to my kids they read to me.  I have work to do which now has to wait.  So I’m resting.  Doing as little talking as possible.  Reading a book.  Watched a movie.  Anything to distract the mind.

I’m doing what my body is telling me to do:  rest.  Maybe that is God’s purpose after all.

My Dog and Cat Died Because of Me

by atozmom, posted in Dogs, Life

When God created the universe, death did not exist.  Life abounded.  There were not predators and no prey.  All lived in the Garden of Eden with every need provided:  food, water, and shelter.  Life was perfect.

Then man sinned.  He ate of the forbidden tree, the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil.  God cursed man, banishing him from the Garden, bringing death to all.  Hence, all creation suffers because of man’s sin.

When I held my dying dogs in my arms, I blamed myself for their pain, suffering, and death.  I look at my cats, all of whom are aging rapidly, and think, “They are gonna die because of me”.  All innocent creatures who live in the moment that God gave us to care for and we are completely incapable of caring for them.  I feel like I let them down when they die.

My kids and I have been reading a lot of books about animals.  Extinct animals and endangered animals come up a lot.  For example, the tiger.  One of the most magnificent animals God has created and we kill them for their coats and gall bladders.  So few left…

Tiger
Tiger

I just read on line how only three northern white rhinos are in existence today–all killed by man for their horns.  Their horns!  It would be like killing humans for their hair.

Extinct animals:  the Dodo bird, the Passenger pigeon, the Tasmanian tiger, the Great Auk, the Baiji White Dolphin, Steller’s Sea Cow, the West African Black Rhino, the Pinta Island Tortoise–all at the hands of man.

Almost extinct animals:  The Javan Rhinoceros, Hawaiian Monk Seal, the Mountain Gorilla, the Island Fox, the Bactrian Camel, Philippine Eagle, California Condor, Amur Leopard, Sumatran Rhino, Vaquita, Kakapo, Iberian Lynx, Siamese Crocodile, and so many, many more.

Yet in the midst of this I see God.  I see how God created us and everything to reflect Him and His greatness.  No where is this more miraculous than in the birth of a newborn baby–human or animal.  This is all despite our sin.

This makes me yearn for heaven and Jesus to come again–to end the pain and the suffering and the sin of man who cannot stop sinning without Jesus.

Death is the hardest part of life in my opinion.  Not necessarily my own death because once I’m gone it doesn’t affect me.  Death of those around us since we have to go on living…

My Cats
My Cats

I pray to enjoy those around me while I can.  To not take one moment for granted.  To hold my kitties a little tighter.  To kiss my kids more.  To spend more time with my family.  To do what I can to stop the death of endangered species (by not buying their products number one) and supporting those capable of lending aid.  And yes, for Jesus to come again–the ultimate end to this Fallen World.

Ever Notice Your Calling is Not Your Choice?

by atozmom, posted in Faith, Life

I’d love to take the path most taken: put my kids in school, work out at the gym, sip coffee with friends, go shopping, take vacations, and lead a normal, suburban life.

But I can’t.

And I don’t have a choice about it.

I must follow where God leads and that’s not exactly the way I’d go and certainly not the easy route that’s for sure.  I’m called to write:  a path full of rejection which I’m not good at taking.  I’m called to homeschool–a bit out of the mainstream but growing by leaps and bounds as more and more parents realize what a classroom full of 30 kids is really like compared to 3 kids.  I’m called to be a wife and mother and care-taker of animals.  And I’m sure I’m called to other things; I just can’t see them at the moment.

Not that my life is hard.  In fact, I’m very, very blessed.  I have a hard-working husband who supports me in all I do.  I have wonderful, healthy kids who are growing up strong in the Lord.  I have 2 dogs and 2 cats to care for.  I have a home, cars, God, and love.

Yet for those who are blessed, more is expected.  I am called for more and I can’t quit until it’s achieved.  My calling is also not my own.  I don’t think I would have chosen it.  In fact, I know I wouldn’t have.  I would have chosen to be born to royalty (or at least to millionaires) and led a cushy life for the my brief time here on Earth.

But I wasn’t.

I was called to lead an ordinary life in a not-so-ordinary fashion.

All because of God within.

It drives me, propels me, forces me to do so.

Even when I have no desire to.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20:  “…You are not your own; you were bought at a price.”

I am God’s.  And I’d have it no other way.

My Ideal Life…

by atozmom, posted in Life, Writing

So school (and hence my job) has been on a two-week break.  It’s been nice (after I recovered from my nasty illness).  I’ve spent the days cleaning my house, visiting family and friends, reading books both to my kids and to myself and my gym membership started on January 1st so I went to the pool, which was awesome!

I also have been querying my just completed YA contemporary novel (this is where you try to find a literary agent in order to sell your work to a publisher).  To be quite honest, I am holding out no hope really of landing one.  But I do it anyways so then I can move on to my next book, which I think I will return to non-fiction which was the first book I wrote about 7 years ago when I was called to this “career”.

Me Reading City of Bones
Me Reading City of Bones

One of the books I read was City of Bones by Cassandra Clare.  I saw the movie version and liked it, so of course I grabbed the book since it’s in one of my favorite genres to write (YA paranormal).

I liked the book (except for the ending) and would recommend it if you like that stuff, but it was depressing to read for the simple fact it made me jealous–jealous because I don’t think I can write that good of a book.  It made me want to start writing another YA paranormal almost instantly–until I thought I have no inspiration at the moment.

After reading City of Bones, I believe my current novel to be utter crap and won’t go anywhere like the rest of the books I’ve written.

So now what?  Well, I pray.  Pray for my book.  Pray I write something that will impact someone somewhere.  Pray someone will believe in that dream with me as well–enough to get me published.  Pray I do God’s work and not my own.

So why is this my ideal life?  Because I got to read a book!  I haven’t read a book outside of kids books since Killing Jesus (and that took me almost 3 months to finish)!

I got to do what I wanted to do (for the most part), which is sit around and read books.  No kids activities to run to.  No guitar lessons to make.  No job I had to get up for…

Still, there is something deep inside of me that craves more.  It craves this book (whatever that will be).  It craves it more than a pregnant woman would ice cream.  And the restlessness inside of me never goes away until I have it…

Make a Life Instead of a Living…

by atozmom, posted in Life

Not sure where I heard these words, but I thought I’d share as the thought for the day.

Life is about using and sharing your God-given gift(s) instead of doing something just for the money.

I had been motivated by money for my job, but I learned my lesson.  I don’t enjoy it; hence, I’m going back to making a life instead of a living–even if that means I don’t earn a penny doing so.

Good New Year Resolution as well!

Am I a Freak?

by atozmom, posted in Life, Writing

Lately, I have been wondering how others spend their time.  Then I think on how I spend my time…

In the mornings, I get up.  I frequently work out.  Then I do my bible study.  I check the news on the Internet.  Do miscellaneous things that demand my attention like laundry or dishes or pay the bills.  Pray…

Then I work on my novel.

I labor over this thing like it’s a work of art.  I just spent an hour and a half today editing 2 pages, agonizing over word choices, looking up definition and synonyms, until I deem it perfect before I move on.  Frequently, I return to the same passage the next day and re-read it just to make sure.

I ask myself Why? and wonder what others do with their spare time.  I think of what else I could be doing.  Reading adult books instead of kids books.  Cleaning.  Cooking.  Planning something or other that I’m sure needs to be planned.

My neighbors watch TV every morning.  I see it on through their blinds.

Then I think No, there is nothing else I want to be doing than this.

Frequently, I feel selfish about it especially when my husband is home.

But I have this hope, this deep desire within that one day soon I will be published.  One day I will go to Barnes and Noble and buy my own book.  One day soon I can call myself a “writer” instead of a “blogger”.

And it is this that drives me.  That keeps getting me up at God-awful hours of the morning.  That tires me out and I go to bed early.

And that embraces the term “freak”.  For if that be what I am, then why not?

We all probably have something we are a freak about.  So what’s your thing?  And how do you spend your precious spare hours?

Remember Our Blessings…

by atozmom, posted in Life

Due to the Thanksgiving holiday this week, in lieu of prayer requests I’d like to have a post devoted to God’s blessings and praises–what God has given us instead of what He hasn’t yet (which He has we just can’t see it).

Too often (myself included) we forget out blessings and instead focus on the little setbacks in life.  Granted, sometimes the setbacks are big but God is always in the midst.

Just some of my blessings:

I am blessed by my husband who sacrifices time with his family so we can live a good life. I am blessed to be able to write to you, to afford Internet, and to write somewhat intelligently.  I am blessed being able to take guitar lessons and learn alongside my kids. They are blessed in this as well.

I lead a pretty good life.  I don’t have to work.  I spend all my time with my kids.  I get to do whatever I want most of the time.

Sure, my husband is struggling in his career.  But God is there.  By his side the entire time.  And God’s faithful to move him where He wants him.

I am blessed by my three beautiful children who God has entrusted to me to raise in His name.

I am blessed that I still have one dog whose unconditional love is hard to surpass.

I am blessed with a home, a family, food, clothing, and shelter.  I am blessed by my blog and spreading His message.  I am blessed by BSF and the Bible, God’s word.  I am blessed by Him.

I am blessed by you all and your words of wisdom, different view points, prayers, encouragements, disagreements, opinions, answers, questions, challenges, and advice.  I am grateful for each and every one of you who visit and my heart sings when you post your thoughts and prayers here.  God bless you all.

What are your blessings?

I’ve Never Felt Pain Like This Before….

by atozmom, posted in Dogs, Life

On August 29th, 2012, at 8:30 am, my beloved dog passed away in my arms.

It was so sudden I didn’t want to believe it.

Still don’t.

I can’t remember when I’ve cried this much.

Continuously.

I love her.  Always will.  She is in my heart.  But I still yearn for here by my side.

I have not known pain like this before.

I have a small family.  Those who have passed away around me I was never close to.

Haven’t lost my mom or my dad yet.

She was my heart.  My first baby.  She was the one everyone wanted to take home.

I remember picking her out.  She ran from me, chasing after her sisters and her brother, and I grabbed her.

And didn’t let go.

Until that day.

But I haven’t let go.  Still clinging to her as if she were here.

But now it’s to her brother.  Who has just as much (if not more) of a broken heart as I do.

I told him I’d cry for him.  But I know he’s crying on the inside; I’m only crying on the out.

I tear up every time I think of her.  I try not to but it’s hard.  So much reminds me of her.

We took pictures the day before we took her to the vet.  We clung to the vet’s positive words (which weren’t many) but we hoped and we prayed and we prayed some more.

And I, at least, begged.

That morning I knew she wasn’t getting better.

I prayed over her to get better for ME.  Not for her.  But for ME.

Selfish, isn’t it?

She kept following me (like she always did) and I told her not to.  To rest and get better.

But God granted me the privilege of holding her as she left this world.  Of crying, “Please, God, no.  Don’t take her.”  Of showering her with my tears as her heart took its final beat.

But it was time.  I just didn’t want to admit it.

I love her.  Always will.

And I just wanted to share some pictures of her.

I wish I could share more.

Pictures of her and my kids.  Pictures of her and me.  On the day before she died.

But those are sacred.  Just between her and me and my family.

These are pictures of just her.

I love her.  Always will.

Her Favorite Spot
My Precious
Hunting Last Fall (This is One of My All-Time Favorite Photos)
Her and Her Brother Sleeping in the Camper
Her and Her Brother Hanging Out in the Backyard

Just Hanging Out