Man Never Changes…

I’ve been out of the work force for over 12 years.  I’ve been extremely blessed to be so.  However, over the summer, I have taken a full-time position.

Admittedly, I’ve led a pretty sheltered life.  Not having to deal with adults on a day-to-day basis, I’ve been molded by children and their worlds.  Kids are authentic and real.  They are not perfect, but in general what you see is what you get.  They don’t deceive except when it comes to candy and chocolate.  They are the best of man before mankind changes them.

I’ve had a few hard lessons to digest over the last two weeks.  I’ve learned I have to have boundaries with people.  I’m frankly a very attractive woman and last week I was asked out on a date (I’m married for those of you who don’t know).  It disturbed me because all I was doing was listening and asking questions at my work.  That was it.  A very innocent conversation about weekend plans.  But somehow a line was crossed and I paid the price.

Yesterday, a work colleague whom I thought I knew stole a bonus from me to put it simply.  I asked for his advice on a client and he basically stole my client right in front of me.  It hurt.  I don’t want it to.

Immediately, walls went up.  I’ll never trust that colleague again no matter how much he apologizes.  I won’t lean on him again when I need help in learning our company’s computer systems and my job.  Our relationship of joking around will never be the same.  Because a wall went up.  And I don’t know how to bring it down.  It saddens me.  Immensely so.  Because I don’t want one to be there.  Worst of all, I’m afraid it’ll affect the rest of my work relationships as well.

I’ve spent my whole life behind walls mainly from childhood and it saddens me.  I don’t want there to be walls in my life.  And I don’t know what to do about them.  All I can do is pray.  But for me, prayer in this situation is a slow process.

Now, I have to be wary of what I say to clients.  Wary of being too much of a listening ear for those who need to vent their life’s frustrations.  And worst of all wary of someone I work with every day.

I think of the book of Revelation and how man never changes no matter what.  Deep down mankind is selfish and greedy and vindictive and lustful.   It is his nature.  And to protect ourselves from ourselves we build walls.  Walls that are easy to erect but take forever to crumble.

I don’t know how to get over what happened yesterday.  I am sad and hurt and time must do it’s job.  I don’t know how to forgive and forget. I don’t know how to re-form that relationship.  He was my favorite colleague.  My go-to guy.  My friend.  And now…

I haven’t cried in a long time.  But tears are rolling…

I feel naive.  Stupid.  Out of sorts.  All mixed up when I shouldn’t be.  And now guarded.  When I don’t want to be…

I don’t want to change who I am at work.  But I fear it’s too late.  Because a curtain descended yesterday over my heart.  One I can’t rip apart like the coming of Christ.

Any advice would be greatly received and appreciated.